babies and teeth....baby teeth

i'm having a hard time not crying...i just learned that taylor---my current "baby" lost his tooth while at his father's house. :( i know, i know, i'm a big ol' baby, and it's "just a tooth", but it is his FIRST loose tooth. and i wasn't there. 

today alex earned 6 merit badges at a court of honor, and i wasn't there. why? bcs it's four hours away, and i couldn't make it. 

i hate divorce. it just confirms that life isn't fair. i have made every possible choice to be a mom to my kids. i haven't put them in daycare, and i've worked in every unconventional job to ensure that i could "be there" for them.  and two big whammies in one day. 

i just wonder... what will i miss next??  first date?? first dance?? 

sometimes life really isn't fair.... :( 

frogs

i love frogs. i have ALWAYS loved frogs. i had a collection of frogs when i was younger. i had the stuffed animals, the clock, the watch, even a skirt that my mom made for me and a friend (grazynka). :) but frogs don't necessarily love me. i remember buying my boys some swimming frogs in alaska. we went to work one morning and came home and they were floating in the bowl. so, good mother that i am, i bought new ones, and repeated the murders. :( i have no idea what i did wrong. :( 

i remember "frog-sitting" for a friend (michael sandberg) when he went on vacation. it escaped and i was unable to catch it. i don't know if he EVER forgave me for it. and i really didn't see the harm in taking it for a swim in the creek at tuscan school. how was I to know that it would use that as it's "get-away". 

one more memory?? i remember one year when jase was really small...he wanted a pet for christmas. i was living in a townhouse, and unsure of how i could provide for one. he went to the church Christmas party and told "santa" (my brother dan) that all he wanted was a pet. "santa" told him he was such a good boy, he might actually give him rudolph!! well, jase trusted uncle "santa" and came home soooo *EXCITED* abt the news. i had to beg dan for help. he left a note on the sliding door for jase: "dear jase, you're such a good boy that i would love to give you rudolph. however, on second thought, i'm not sure how we'd manage to get all the toys to all the other boys and girls if i gave him to you.... i'll give you something ELSE instead. and you're going to love it just as well". (k. it was SOMETHING like that). so i bought a white's tree frog. (go ahead, google it. i know you're dying to see what it looks like...)  i got a large terrarium at the local DI (my favorite store), and got all the equipment for it...heat rock, fake pond, plants, branches, and a frog delicacy....CRICKETS!! loaded it up and prepared for Christmas morning. well, it came...jase went down the stairs and was SOOOOOO *EXCITED* when he looked into the cage and shouted "MOM!!! SANTA REALLY DID GIVE ME A PET!!! ONLY HE GAVE ME A LOOOOT OF THEM!!! LOOK AT ALL THESE CRICKETS!!!!!"  i had to redirect his attention to the predator, not the prey. 

anyway,( two hours and 37 minutes later,) i'm back to my story of frogs... sorry...i get distracted sometimes.... i was thinking of how frogs just have a country feel. they remind me of summertime. though aside from these stories, the only other memory i have was of dad driving over little frogs going to the cabin he rented in vermont when i was a kid..... :( 

but the other night, some of our boys were outside doing "the boy thing"....catching frogs. it was so heartwarming to me. not sure why, but it just made me happe inside. :) not sure if it was the frogs? 

 or the boys:

dreams...

k. they say that dreams should be written down. that occasionally they are inspired, a way to receive revelation. well, unless eric's really leaving me for an olympic gymnast, or i just had a baby that looks like the crazy guy on nacho libre, i don't give much credence to them. HOWEVER, two nights ago i had a dream that has plagued me. in my dream, i was running my fingers through my hair, and as i did it, clumps of hair were coming out in my hands. i looked in the mirror, and my hair on the right side was like this:
 shiny, dark, beautiful. i think i pretty much looked like her too. but hey, this was MY dream....creative liberties are allowed... :) anyway, the other half of my head looked like it normally does. kind of like this:now you might be looking at her porcelain skin and distracted from the frizzy see-thru mess, but that's what my hair usually looks like.  time to confess:

i have been frizzy/curly haired my whole life. or as long as i can remember. i do recall seeing a picture of me when i was in preschool probably where my bangs were shiny and dark. oh, to have those still.... :( anyway, i have done everything, from straightening to braiding to the ol' "what-not-to-wear" favorite: scrunchies. in fact, i have one in my hair as i write. :(   a cousin introduced me to "the curly girl handbook" and i did everything religiously. no more shampoos. no more blow drying, straightening, etc. air dry only. tons of conditioner. co-washing. everything. i even did the gel. for 2 months now. and i hate the feel of the "CRUNCH" of gel. i like touchable hair. i like to ride my bike  and have my hair blowing softly in the wind. not hear the sound of doritoes being chewed in my ear. so yea...last night, the devil got the best of me and i broke down and got hair dye. i didn' twant the orange scarecrow hair w/stripes of grey. (think:   and i mean no disrespect to this woman. she CLEARLY had a beautiful face at an earlier age...before her days of crime.) i colored my hair. i bought a PERMANENT, but i guess the definition is more "exaggeration" than truth, bcs i can see the greys! how is that possible??  to avoid slanderous remarks abt the company (preference, by l'oreal), i can attest that it DOES permanently dye SOME materials. my cheek, for example. two showers, a loofah, alcohol, vaseline and two coats of cover-up AND foundation (this girl does NOT wear foundation!), and here's the evidence...   okay, i have to doubly confess... i added a little eyeliner bcs the camera flash washed it out, so i had to "emphasize" it, but taht's what it REALY looks like in natural light. :)
so...question:  was this dream revelatory???  do i get out the scissors?????

yardwork

so, since moving into this house, we've had to completely re-landscape the yard. (dang bank let it go to pot) this means a lot of pulling up weeds, pricker bushes, dead stumps/trees/branches/bushes, etc. then raking out all the other stuff and laying down that weed-free fabric and re-rocking/woodchipping, planting,etc.  

soooo...the other day i was fighting the wind. it was incredible.  i'm wrestling w/everything outside. i almost threw a rock at sparky. not really, but i literally had been fighting the wind and i was sweating and frustrated and i looked over and he's laying there sleeping. i had a moment of "YOU DUMB DOG....LAYING AROUND ALL THE TIME AND NEVER HELPING W/ANYTHING" ...but that's as far as it went. well, actually i did have a  rock in my hand and a momentary thought to throw it at him. but THAT was all. :) hehe...  i just sometimes wonder who has it better? man or dog?? bcs unless you're an unemployed democrat, you can't sit around and get fed and loved for nothing. they really have it easy. and i know you  might say "yea, but some dogs are tied up and left outside in the winter....or beaten by their owners...." to that i say, "yes, but so are some kids..."  :(  anyway, it must be nice. but i guess they don't have much self-esteem. bcs i would hate myself if i lived like that.

more tender mercies...

i know i haven't written in a while, but i've still been thinking. ("what?" you ask, ....YES, i do actually think...) and another tender mercy was made plain to me....

i don't know abt any other mom out there, but my kids have bad days. the kind where it doesn't matter WHAT i say or do, they are glaring at me w/"you disgust me" eyes, and smarting off w/a bad attitude. they might have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, or any of a gajillion other things. the point is, they are demon child for that period of time. well, this past wk, we had 2 journal-worthy episodes w/2 different boys. and it hit me kind of hard that we never have more than 1 boy at a time in that snarly mood!! do you have any idea what a tender mercy that is?!? bcs one is bad enough. sometimes it's all i can do to keep from putting my shoe down their throat. and i'm absolutely convinced that HF interferes somehow to make sure that i dont' have to deal w/more than one at a time. He knows my breaking point. :) THANK YOU. :)

....eric, on the other hand, thinks that when 1 is bad, the others are thinking, "this is my moment to shine" and polish up their halos for extra kudos from the parents.... 

:)

so.....this morning i have bralex taking the dogs for a  nail clipping and sparky's summer shave (he's a disgusting shedder). and they told sam and taylor they're going to sacramento. so sammy was saying to me, "mom, how come THEY get to go to sacramento?". i sd, "sam, really...do you know where sacramento IS??" he sd, "yea", i sd, "how do you think they're going to get there?" he sd, "andrew's going to drive them". i sd, "first of all, do you know how long it takes to get there?" he sd, "yea, one or two days" (smart kid). i sd, "andrew's not going w/them". i didn't want bralex to know i was giving away their little "joke", but sam was getting really worked up. so i was looking at him w/wide eyes and asking direct questions to get him thinking. i sd, "sam, in a few minutes, you will see the boys walking the dogs on their leashes w/out any suitcases down the alley way as if they are going to the pet salon". and taylor piped in, "sammy, THEY'RE TAKING THE BUS!!!"

you should have seen their eyes. i think they actually got a little teary-eyed. 

:)

A few years ago my son Jase had taken his car and parked in on USU campus w/some friends  so they could attend a dance. When it was time to come home, they couldn’t find the keys anywhere. He returned home w/out his car figuring he’d find it when the sun came up the next day. For several days he and his friends went back to that area and searched for the keys. No success. I was starting to get nervous bcs I knew that he had to get the car off the lot before the next week or he would have it booted and towed. (another expense I couldn’t afford). L I sent him back several times. I called a locksmith and found out it would cost about 200$ to replace the keys. I just didn’t have it. I called all of the campus offices and the campus police to see if anyone had reported them. One night I had a dream. In my dream I saw very clearly jason’s keys….they were in some hedge bushes up against a large brick building. So I had the thought of asking jase, “where else did you go when you were there?”.

 “no place else, just the dance” he replied.  

Then the thought occurred to me that maybe he had been doing his parkour/monkey climbing on the campus buildings, so I asked and he confirmed this thought.  The next day I was very upset at jase. He had given up on finding them. He and several friends went up to campus and searched again only to return empty handed. When they arrived at home I went a little berserk. I reminded him that I don’t have the money to pay for new keys, nor could I afford to pay the boot or tow. I was major stressed out. I tried to get them to go back, but they insisted they weren’t there. I even told him of my dream and he sd, “there aren’t any brick buildings up there”.  Then I asked the clincher question: “have you asked Heavenly Father where they are?”

He and his friends sniggered at me. “no mom, that’s stupid.”

I sd, “maybe so, but if anyone knows where they are, it is He”.

“fine then, YOU ask”. I

I sd I would. I called meg and she came to get me. In my emotional state I told her that I needed to pray for help and that if there ever was a time when I needed my prayers answered, it was now. That I needed to prove to these kids that HF answers prayers. So I prayed.

Meg took me to campus and pointed out where the car was parked. I walked around the spot where the car was, I looked in the garbage cans nearby. Then I walked to a raised garden planter and hopped up on the wall. Lo and behold, like the heavens themselves opened and a finger was pointing, the keys glistened! (okay, okay, maybe there wasn’t a glisten, but there MIGHT have been…it was hard to tell through my tears). I raced home, showed the boys and told them how my prayer was answered.   I know it seems simple and even stupid, but I knew that if I went back empty-handed I would have several boys who would have fuel to be doubting thomases. J HF took that excuse away. J