i had an epiphany this morning.
every now and then i have a thought that just hits me in my heart, and this is one of them. i realize that after you read this post, most of you will say "DUH. you didn't know that????" ....and my answer is, "yes, i KNEW that, but i didn't REALIZE how serious it is". so here goes...
i'm a nag. confession time. it's the truth. i'm a one-eyebrow raised, bordering on a scowl, over-and-over again NAG. and i don't like how i am. bcs of this, my kids don't like how i am either. and bcs of how they react to me, i don't like them very much a lot of the time. don't get me wrong, we all know the adage that we can love someone to the core, but not like them very much. well, that's me. so here's what i realized today...
why do i nag?? bcs i need help. i'm overworked and exhausted. no, i don't work outside the home. i'm not an author or a mary kay specialist. i'm not a model on the side (no surprises there) and i dont' teach gospel doctrine. but i do laundry every monday from abt 645 in the morning until usually around 6p at night. i cook dinner every day. sometimes it's leftovers, but hey! i still have to pull them out and heat them up and wash the dishes and clean the counter. but OFTEN i'll start dinner in the morning when i take the meat out to defrost. :) i make desserts often. i love sugar. and i think it's good in moderations. :) plus, homemade chocolate cake is a lot better than a store bought twinkie. i work in the yard; weeding, planting, trimming, but mostly weeding. i clean the house. wiping down doors, counters, etc. sweeping the floors. constantly. on a very very good day, i'll even mop the floors on my hands and knees. and i visit people. neighbors, friends, inactives, people. i break up fights. not between the people i visit, that's just w/my own kids. sometimes that requires lengthy discussions w/the boys that can often linger into the next activity. i help w/homework. i'm just tired. so i occasionally will ask the boys for help. "alex, will you empty the dishwasher please?" ...."andrew, will you take the garbage to the dump?" ...."brandon, will you take out the garbage?" on top of that, i really do think that ALL of my kids, from 8-22 are capable of making their beds and cleaning up after themselves.
this is where the problem lies... my kids will say "okay...." and then proceed to give me a "gotta-do-this-first" list. and i haven't pushed the issue. so for a number of years, i've had kids basically negotiate what they think is important to them on their time frame. which usually leads to someone forgetting. which leads me to reminding them (first nag), which leads to them getting annoyed, which leads to them subconsciously rebelling and NOT doing it, which leads to me MORE nagging. which leads to tears, frustration and fighting.
i'm not exaggerating when i say this. just yesterday i had to tell one of my boys to bring up his laundry so i could start a load THREE times. first he decided to pack, then he had to put in his contacts. it was easily a half hour before he brought it up. that meant i didn't have time to get a load started before i had to bike another one to school.
soooooooooooooo...i'm hoping eric gets on board w/me. i'm going to propose that we have a "do it NOW" policy. that when i (or he) tell(s) them to do something, they DO IT NOW. no negotiating. no tv show, no conversation, NOTHING is more important than just being obedient. then i dn't have to worry abt them forgetting and not doing it.
:) i'm sooo excited to try this new thing. incidentally, i never realized this was such a problem before now. in the past, and i know in my "darker" past, my kids jumped when i asked for help. i think part of my recovery was learning to lighten up. yet, i didn't. i just internalized the anxiety. now i'm hoping for a release....
:)
Friday, June 27, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
scary men
i had a thought-provoking experience that i just have to put on electronic "paper". i won't mention any names or anything that might implicate anyone, but it's MY experience anyway...so...
yesterday i was out weeding the front yard. i was sitting on a pile of rocks getting those long stringy weeds that were spiderwebbing across the rocks, and kind of crouched behind the wheelbarrow that was collecting my garbage...when i heard something that made me look up. i don't know what i heard, but my attention was directed to the west of my house, up front of my neighbor's house. i saw a guy getting loud w/his "gf". (so i thought). i adjusted my prescription sunglasses and started to get in a "getting-ready-to-pounce" position when i saw him JERK his head towards hers. she shook and grimaced and hugged herself. he loudly sd some profanities before marching off towards the east. they both saw me watching them, but after she and i made eye contact, she looked down and never did look back towards me. i watched her follow him from abt 15 feet behind till they were out of my view.
what was i thinking? that if he had "laid a hand on her" i was going to jump up. what would i have done? i have no idea. i probably would have pulled him off of her. or gotten up front of her. i don't know what i would have done, but i couldn't have sat there and watched him hurt her.
...or could i? abt 20 minutes later, after i was sitting back in my room contemplating this post, the doorbell rang. a sheriff's deputy was at the front door. he asked me if i had just witnessed a fight. i told him "kind-of". he asked me to tell him what i saw. i told him what i just wrote to you. he asked me if he had head-bunted her. i told him i didn't think so, but i couldn't see that well, and it's possible he did. i told him JUST EXACTLY what i wrote to you. he asked what they were wearing, where i saw them, if i'd seen him afterwards. i answered all of his questions in detail. he had come back, but was walking alone. in my imagination i thought i saw a shiny object in his hand, which when translated by creative part of my brain was a knife. he had stabbed her and was now coming back for me, the one witness. back to reality: he had nothing in his hand, and was just walking back to the direction they originally came from. however, i DID tell the officer abt my scary fantasy. (haha). he asked for all the usual witness information, my name/phone/birthdate/weight (haha on the last) and thanked me and left. a while later i heard from a friend who happens to be friends w/this gal, that he HAD headbunted her. that she is his wife, and that she is pregnant w/his baby. that she got a restraining order and moved in w/her grandma. that's the follow-up.
now for the thoughts... first, what would i have done? having been abused, i know that when the abuser thinks you have betrayed/snitched-on him, the repercussions can be worse than the original harm. so asking her if she's okay up front of him could easily turn on her. they could get home and have him accuse her of making a scene that drew my attention in the first place. however, having been abused, i can't sit still and NOT do something. there were dozens of times that i wished SOMEONE would step up and try to protect me. i know that many knew what was going on behind closed doors. my abuser/husband was a prominent man in the community and at church, and was known for his gentle nature. to the public, he was the most kind person you could meet. in fact, that was one of the initial things that attracted me to him. it was in the privacy of our marriage that i saw the darker side of him. but i knew that people knew. rumors had come full circle, i had been seen w/black eyes and bruises. people had confronted me directly and indirectly. i always lied to cover things up. one time my ob/gyn (who happened to be my bishop at the time) pulled me aside and asked why i had 2 black eyes (which i thought were well concealed under makeup). i told him that my youngest son at the time had headbunted my nose when i was tying his shoes. he whispered, "i know what's going on soo, if you ever want to talk abt it, i'm here for you". to this day i will NEVER forget that. i knew he cared. he knew my secret, but he wasn't going to compromise my safety. there were others who never sd anything. i wondered if they didn't care. so that was the me, then.
the me NOW thinks differently...
i know that it's scary to approach someone who is being abused. i know that they will likely go back to the abuser, even if our perceived safety is offered. so why do they return? 3 reasons: 1- they think that the abuse is their fault (if only i hadn't served the chicken raw), 2- they think that they don't deserve better , after all, they are the cause. 3- they literally fear for their lives. the thought of the abuser renting a plane and looking for them to do WHAT? to them?? the fear is in the wondering...
sooooo, after digressing, my final thoughts are these:
if you are being abused, please know that you are not alone. if you have heard all the stories of typical abusers and your's doesn't qualify, it doesn't mean you aren't being abused. if you've been hit, punched, choked, kicked, head-bunted, squoze, or even threatened, YOU ARE ABUSED. you didn't deserve it. you don't deserve it. and he WILL continue until YOU change. not the things you are doing to make him mad, but the situation you are living in. you need help. you need to get out. there really are shelters that have bulletproof doors and windows and electric fences. there are people who know how crazy an abuser can become in the heat of the moment. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
if you know of someone who is abused, TELL HER YOU KNOW. those words from my dr/bishop/friend meant more to me than any other words anyone spoke. tell her you are here for her and will be WHENEVER she decides to get out. tell her you will help her formulate a plan, bcs leaving isn't an easy thing under any circumstances. DON'T judge her when she doesn't take you up on your offer. trust is something you have to build with her. GET IN THE MIDDLE. if you see her man being abusive towards her, DON'T stand idly by. if you are concerned abt safety, call 911, but don't ignore bad behavior. i know that people knew what was going on at my home, and those who didn't stand up for me reinforced my feelings that i didn't deserve any better.
and that's my final thought: i really do believe that there is someone for everyone. i believe that EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and kindness and respect. i don't care what mistakes a person has made in his or her life, NO ONE deserves to be treated w/anger or intimidation. NO ONE. it would be better to be alone than to be in an abusive situation. i can promise you that. i have been there.
ps: (this is actually my FINAL thought)... years later i am married to a wonderful man. i ask him all the time "are you mad at me?" and he always responds the same, "no, SHOULD i be?" . he treats me the way ALL women deserve to be treated. and i consider him my best reward for any good i might have done in my life. i'm adding this to you bcs i want you to know that there is light at the end of that dark tunnel....
:)
yesterday i was out weeding the front yard. i was sitting on a pile of rocks getting those long stringy weeds that were spiderwebbing across the rocks, and kind of crouched behind the wheelbarrow that was collecting my garbage...when i heard something that made me look up. i don't know what i heard, but my attention was directed to the west of my house, up front of my neighbor's house. i saw a guy getting loud w/his "gf". (so i thought). i adjusted my prescription sunglasses and started to get in a "getting-ready-to-pounce" position when i saw him JERK his head towards hers. she shook and grimaced and hugged herself. he loudly sd some profanities before marching off towards the east. they both saw me watching them, but after she and i made eye contact, she looked down and never did look back towards me. i watched her follow him from abt 15 feet behind till they were out of my view.
what was i thinking? that if he had "laid a hand on her" i was going to jump up. what would i have done? i have no idea. i probably would have pulled him off of her. or gotten up front of her. i don't know what i would have done, but i couldn't have sat there and watched him hurt her.
...or could i? abt 20 minutes later, after i was sitting back in my room contemplating this post, the doorbell rang. a sheriff's deputy was at the front door. he asked me if i had just witnessed a fight. i told him "kind-of". he asked me to tell him what i saw. i told him what i just wrote to you. he asked me if he had head-bunted her. i told him i didn't think so, but i couldn't see that well, and it's possible he did. i told him JUST EXACTLY what i wrote to you. he asked what they were wearing, where i saw them, if i'd seen him afterwards. i answered all of his questions in detail. he had come back, but was walking alone. in my imagination i thought i saw a shiny object in his hand, which when translated by creative part of my brain was a knife. he had stabbed her and was now coming back for me, the one witness. back to reality: he had nothing in his hand, and was just walking back to the direction they originally came from. however, i DID tell the officer abt my scary fantasy. (haha). he asked for all the usual witness information, my name/phone/birthdate/weight (haha on the last) and thanked me and left. a while later i heard from a friend who happens to be friends w/this gal, that he HAD headbunted her. that she is his wife, and that she is pregnant w/his baby. that she got a restraining order and moved in w/her grandma. that's the follow-up.
now for the thoughts... first, what would i have done? having been abused, i know that when the abuser thinks you have betrayed/snitched-on him, the repercussions can be worse than the original harm. so asking her if she's okay up front of him could easily turn on her. they could get home and have him accuse her of making a scene that drew my attention in the first place. however, having been abused, i can't sit still and NOT do something. there were dozens of times that i wished SOMEONE would step up and try to protect me. i know that many knew what was going on behind closed doors. my abuser/husband was a prominent man in the community and at church, and was known for his gentle nature. to the public, he was the most kind person you could meet. in fact, that was one of the initial things that attracted me to him. it was in the privacy of our marriage that i saw the darker side of him. but i knew that people knew. rumors had come full circle, i had been seen w/black eyes and bruises. people had confronted me directly and indirectly. i always lied to cover things up. one time my ob/gyn (who happened to be my bishop at the time) pulled me aside and asked why i had 2 black eyes (which i thought were well concealed under makeup). i told him that my youngest son at the time had headbunted my nose when i was tying his shoes. he whispered, "i know what's going on soo, if you ever want to talk abt it, i'm here for you". to this day i will NEVER forget that. i knew he cared. he knew my secret, but he wasn't going to compromise my safety. there were others who never sd anything. i wondered if they didn't care. so that was the me, then.
the me NOW thinks differently...
i know that it's scary to approach someone who is being abused. i know that they will likely go back to the abuser, even if our perceived safety is offered. so why do they return? 3 reasons: 1- they think that the abuse is their fault (if only i hadn't served the chicken raw), 2- they think that they don't deserve better , after all, they are the cause. 3- they literally fear for their lives. the thought of the abuser renting a plane and looking for them to do WHAT? to them?? the fear is in the wondering...
sooooo, after digressing, my final thoughts are these:
if you are being abused, please know that you are not alone. if you have heard all the stories of typical abusers and your's doesn't qualify, it doesn't mean you aren't being abused. if you've been hit, punched, choked, kicked, head-bunted, squoze, or even threatened, YOU ARE ABUSED. you didn't deserve it. you don't deserve it. and he WILL continue until YOU change. not the things you are doing to make him mad, but the situation you are living in. you need help. you need to get out. there really are shelters that have bulletproof doors and windows and electric fences. there are people who know how crazy an abuser can become in the heat of the moment. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
if you know of someone who is abused, TELL HER YOU KNOW. those words from my dr/bishop/friend meant more to me than any other words anyone spoke. tell her you are here for her and will be WHENEVER she decides to get out. tell her you will help her formulate a plan, bcs leaving isn't an easy thing under any circumstances. DON'T judge her when she doesn't take you up on your offer. trust is something you have to build with her. GET IN THE MIDDLE. if you see her man being abusive towards her, DON'T stand idly by. if you are concerned abt safety, call 911, but don't ignore bad behavior. i know that people knew what was going on at my home, and those who didn't stand up for me reinforced my feelings that i didn't deserve any better.
and that's my final thought: i really do believe that there is someone for everyone. i believe that EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and kindness and respect. i don't care what mistakes a person has made in his or her life, NO ONE deserves to be treated w/anger or intimidation. NO ONE. it would be better to be alone than to be in an abusive situation. i can promise you that. i have been there.
ps: (this is actually my FINAL thought)... years later i am married to a wonderful man. i ask him all the time "are you mad at me?" and he always responds the same, "no, SHOULD i be?" . he treats me the way ALL women deserve to be treated. and i consider him my best reward for any good i might have done in my life. i'm adding this to you bcs i want you to know that there is light at the end of that dark tunnel....
:)
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