scary men

i had a thought-provoking experience that i just have to put on electronic "paper". i won't mention any names or anything that might implicate anyone, but it's MY experience anyway...so...
yesterday i was out weeding the front yard. i was sitting on a pile of rocks getting those long stringy weeds that were spiderwebbing across the rocks, and kind of crouched behind the wheelbarrow that was collecting my garbage...when i heard something that  made me look up. i don't know what i heard, but my attention was directed to the west of my house, up front of my neighbor's house. i saw a guy getting loud w/his "gf". (so i thought). i adjusted my prescription sunglasses and started to get in a "getting-ready-to-pounce" position when i saw him JERK his head towards hers. she shook and grimaced and hugged herself. he loudly sd some profanities before marching off towards the east. they both saw me watching them, but after she and i made eye contact, she looked down and never did look back towards me. i watched her follow him from abt 15 feet behind till they were out of my view.
what was i thinking? that if he had "laid a hand on her" i was going to jump up. what would i have done? i have no idea. i probably would have pulled him off of her. or gotten up front of her. i don't know what i would have done, but i couldn't have sat there and watched him hurt her.
...or could i? abt 20 minutes later, after i was sitting back in my room contemplating this post, the doorbell rang. a sheriff's deputy was at the front door. he asked me if i had just witnessed a fight. i told him "kind-of". he asked me to tell him what i saw. i told him what i just wrote to you. he asked me if he had head-bunted her. i told him i didn't think so, but i couldn't see that well, and it's possible he did. i told him JUST EXACTLY what i wrote to you. he asked what they were wearing, where i saw them, if i'd seen him afterwards. i answered all of his questions in detail. he had come back, but was walking alone. in my imagination i thought i saw a shiny object in his hand, which when translated by creative part of my brain was a knife. he had stabbed her and was now coming back for me, the one witness. back to reality: he had nothing in his hand, and was just walking back to the direction they originally came from. however, i DID tell the officer abt my scary fantasy. (haha). he asked for all the usual witness information, my name/phone/birthdate/weight (haha on the last) and thanked me and left. a while later i heard from a friend who happens to be friends w/this gal, that he HAD headbunted her. that she is his wife, and that she is pregnant w/his baby. that she got a restraining order and moved in w/her grandma.  that's the follow-up.

now for the thoughts... first, what would i have done? having been abused, i know that when the abuser thinks you have betrayed/snitched-on him, the repercussions can be worse than the original harm. so asking her if she's okay up front of him could easily turn on her. they could get home and have him accuse her of making a scene that drew my attention in the first place. however, having been abused, i can't sit still and NOT do something. there were dozens of times that i wished SOMEONE would step up and try to protect me. i know that many knew what was going on behind closed doors. my abuser/husband was a prominent man in the community and at church, and was known for his gentle nature. to the public, he was the most kind person you could meet. in fact, that was one of the initial things that attracted me to him. it was in the privacy of our marriage that i saw the darker side of him. but i knew that people knew. rumors had come full circle, i had been seen w/black eyes and bruises. people had confronted me directly and indirectly. i always lied to cover things up. one time my ob/gyn (who happened to be my bishop at the time) pulled me aside and asked why i had 2 black eyes (which i thought were well concealed under makeup). i told him that my youngest son at the time had headbunted my nose when i was tying his shoes. he whispered, "i know what's going on soo, if you ever want to talk abt it, i'm here for you". to this day i will NEVER forget that. i knew he cared. he knew my secret, but he wasn't going to compromise my safety.  there were others who never sd anything. i wondered if they didn't care. so that was the me, then.
the me NOW thinks differently...
i know that it's scary to approach someone who is being abused. i know that they will likely go back to the abuser, even if our perceived safety is offered.  so why do they return? 3 reasons: 1- they think that the abuse is their fault (if only i hadn't served the chicken raw), 2- they think that they don't deserve better , after all, they are the cause. 3- they literally fear for their lives. the thought of the abuser renting a plane and looking for them to do WHAT? to them?? the fear is in the wondering...

sooooo, after digressing, my final thoughts are these:

if you are being abused, please know that you are not alone. if you have heard all the stories of typical abusers and your's doesn't qualify, it doesn't mean you aren't being abused. if you've been hit, punched, choked, kicked, head-bunted, squoze, or even threatened, YOU ARE ABUSED.   you didn't deserve it. you don't deserve it. and he WILL continue until YOU change. not the things you are doing to make him mad, but the situation you are living in. you need help. you need to get out. there really are shelters that have bulletproof doors and windows and electric fences. there are people who know how crazy an abuser can become in the heat of the moment. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

if you know of someone who is abused, TELL HER YOU KNOW. those words from my dr/bishop/friend meant more to me than any other words anyone spoke. tell her you are here for her and will be WHENEVER she decides to get out. tell her you will help her formulate a plan, bcs leaving isn't an easy thing under any circumstances. DON'T judge her when she doesn't take you up on your offer. trust is something you have to build with her. GET IN THE MIDDLE. if you see her man being abusive towards her, DON'T stand idly by. if you are concerned abt safety, call 911, but don't ignore bad behavior. i know that people knew what was going on at my home, and those who didn't stand up for me reinforced my feelings that i didn't deserve any better.

and that's my final thought: i really do believe that there is someone for everyone. i believe that EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and kindness and respect. i don't care what mistakes a person has made in his or her life, NO ONE deserves to be treated w/anger or intimidation. NO ONE. it would be better to be alone than to be in an abusive situation. i can promise you that. i have been there.

ps: (this is actually my FINAL thought)... years later i am married to a wonderful man. i ask him all the time "are you mad at me?" and he always responds the same, "no, SHOULD i be?" . he treats me the way ALL women deserve to be treated.  and i consider him my best reward for any good i might have done in my life. i'm adding this to you bcs i want you to know that there is light at the end of that dark tunnel....

:)

death

i don't think that i'm thinking too much abt death, but i have had a few thoughts over the past couple of wks. this one is more of a "am i sane?" type of thought....

why do people write msgs to their deceased loved ones on facebook? i'm not trying to be insulting in any way, i'm simply trying to understand. do they think the deceased is actually READING fb?? bcs i don't think so. or maybe they are just writing their thoughts to evoke support from their friends. if it's the latter, i TOTALLY get it.  ...but maybe they should write it to their audience...that these are my feelings...

??

another question:  when people write something and other's respond w/ "you're in my prayers", is it true?? are the people truly saying a prayer for that person? or is just a nice thought. i have a hard time writing it, unless i KNOW that i'm goign to take a moment and seriously say a prayer for that person. sometimes i will, but sometimes i'm not in a position to do that. and i know that in my heart of hearts i'll forget later, or maybe i don't even necessarily agree that a prayer is warranted. am i crazy?? or mean??

last question: why do people visit a grave? do they believe the spirit is there waiting for them? do they believe that's a portal to the other side?? perhaps it is, this is a sincere question. i just wonder bcs i would imagine that they are busy doing what they need to do on the other side of the veil.

what do i know? very little... these are just a few thoughts...

:)

thinning veil

i've had a lot of thoughts this past month abt life and death. part of it is bcs i finished reading Jesus the Christ, by James A. Talmage. WOW!! it was one of the most intriguing books of my life, and HIGHLY recommended. :) it opened my eyes to the life of our Savior, and His importance in "the Plan", and how it personally affects me. it also gave me great thought into how i'm preparing for His imminent return. within 2 wks of finishing the book, i had the opportunity to go to stake conference where our temple president was speaking. he told how he's been a patriarch for 37 yrs and was given the opportunity to bless "some" people that they would be alive when our Lord returns. WOW!!! think about it.... back in the days of Joseph Smith, there were many MANY people who believed that it would be in their lifetime. i followed suit, but always thought "eh, they thought it too and were wrong, so i probably am also". and it's possible that it's not going to happen in MY generation, but it most certainly will by my CHILDREN's generation. so what am i doing to prepare my boys to meet their Savior?!? what am i doing to prepare them to RECOGNIZE Him?? that's been my thought this past little while....

along the same lines, a family whom i have always looked up to and respected just lost their 12 yr old handicapped daughter to the next life. they knew it was inevitable, but the grace with which they handled her "graduation" was heartwarming and a HUGE testimony builder for me. i felt the Spirit so strongly during her viewing, that i felt as though i could almost see through the veil.

i want you to know that i KNOW that Jesus is the Christ. i KNOW that He really did come to earth in a mortal body, and live His short lifespan only to be crucified and separated from His body for a short time. 3 days later, He was restored PERMANENTLY to His then immortal body. bcs of that, WE ALL WILL HAVE THAT BLESSING! we WILL be given eternal life!! so.... what KIND of life is mine going to be?! one of misery and selfishness?? or one full of love and happiness?! i'm HOPING for the latter, but i know i have a lot to work on.

anyway, it's just inspiring for me to think of Jesus who is probably getting ready to come back. my grandma and grandpa sellers also just passed on. in fact, grandpa did last friday, i believe, and 5 days later grandma followed him. i'm sure they are anxious to help get him ready, and i'm pretty sure i can see grandma fixing His hair. not trying to be sacrilegious in any way, but she was a detail oriented person. i can see her in my mind's eye chasing Jesus as He's preparing to leave "WAIT! you can't go down looking like THAT! HERE! let me get that for you" and then spit combing his hair out of his eyes....

:) what can i do to be ready on THIS side of the veil? lots. i better get busy...

:)

women and the priesthood

not that anyone is asking, but my thoughts on the women at the priesthood session are these: this is the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints. it is founded and practiced on principles established by our Savior Himself. if there are to be changes made in any regard within the church, it is not done by public opinion, voting, majority rules, or demonstrations. it is to be done through revelation from Christ himself to our prophet. and finally, why are women not satisfied with the blessings we have?? do we not have the SOLE ability to bear children?? how are we going to make THAT one equal?? answer: we can't. and we aren't supposed to. life isn't fair and it's not supposed to be. but we can choose to be happy no matter what our challenges may be. there. my opinion... 

day after Christmas... sweetness..

just wanted to share my thoughts this morning abt Christmas yesterday. what a sweet day it was. i got to see or talk w/each of my boys. there was NO fighting between them. it was just a really special day. eric gave me knee pads so i wont' get blisters doing the floors anymore...and a cool alarm clock so i don't have to climb over him to see what time it is in the middle of the night....and my favorite thing of all? that greg olsen picture of Jase and Jesus. i love it. from the first time i saw it, it stopped me in my tracks. THAT IS MY JASON. talking on a park bench w/JESUS. :) doesn't get any better than that. :) so it was a thoughtful day.
and in my birth family, we take turns doing families...we'll , we did until next yr... we've decided to not do it anymore. anyway, this year, we gave to dan and his fam, and dave and kathy gave to us. they spoiled us rotten. a beautiful HUGE wreath, some candies and a game, legos, and a really sweet "mooney forever" plaque. it was all so nice. and stamped on the box that they mailed it in was the shipping price....$91.83. shocking!! i was sooo embarrassed bcs that alone exceeded the 50$ limit. but they were soooo sweet abt it. sd they were planning all year to send it, and had budgeted the expensive cost in. so earlier this morning before anyone was up, i went out ot hte garbage and cut out the label...the addresses of both of us and the cost that they paid. i'm going to frame it. i know that sounds a little corny/stupid, but it's a sweet reminder that we are loved and that they were thoughtful enough to plan all year for that. :) makes my heart swell. i'll take a picture and post it when i get a frame for it. also the Jase/Jesus picture...and t he plaque. :)

bro code/sis code

the other day i had a conversation w/jase. he informed me of the innate "bro code" that he claims all men aspire to. not that they wouldn't be happe w/less, but this is the ultimate....
not sure if there's an order, but this is my  memory...
1- 6 pack (every man wants a body w/a 6-pack)
2- making 6 figures
3- owning a vehicle w/a 6 hp engine (does a ride-on lawnmower count?)
4- 6 ft tall (to BE 6 ft tall...though eric is considerably less and he's PERFECT for me..>)
5- oh my...i can't think of the 5th thing right now....i'll have to come back to it....
6- to be "6 inches"...k. as soon as he sd that, i suggested we come up w/an alternative. he agreed that a 6 month engagement to be married would suffice. :) so taht's the cleaned up version of the bro-code.

in the essence of "equality" (and no, i'm not usually all abt it...), my friend merion and i came up w/ a sis code... it's completely open for editing and ratifying, but here's what we came up w/....
...and we had to choose the number 8 for the obvious reason, as we get moving here....
1- to be a size 8 (or smaller, but 8 is good)
2- to have 8 shoes (1 pair of sandals, sneakers, dress shoes that are flat, high heeled shoes, brown boots, black boots, slippers and sunday shoes that aren't high and sexy or flat and matronly...those are for pants only)
3-

...wait! just got a fb chat msg from jase, and he is informing me that i got it all wrong...it's not the bro-code. it's just the 6- 6es...he's telling me that the bro code is different. oh, the male gender is just soooo complicated and confusing...

k. first i need to be clear, this is NOT the "bro code" apparently that's a different ballgame entirely. something abt a code of conduct. i asked if  it was like "don't make  eye contact at the urinals" and he sd, "no", but he didn't clarify....
second, he didn't make it up. he sd that it's just UNIVERSAL knowledge. and that i'm going to make him look stupid if i am suggesting that he is the author.

okay, the 5th 6 ?? it's 6 yrs of post high school education.

they are actually quite admirable, these "goals"... :) k. back to the girls....
we want 3- 8 hours MINIMUM of 1on1 "talk" time /wk w/our significant other. MINIMUM. could be considered "date night", but we prefer it as talking after day time...
4- we want to be shaped like the number 8. :) some prefer the bulby 8's, and others prefer the long skinny ones. either way, we want a waist and boobs. we are girls, afterall....
5- 8 places on the body we like to be kissed. you can use your imagiation on this one, but really you don't have to. i counted cheeks as 2, bcs we like to be kissed equally on both sides of the face. :)
6- we need 8 hours of sleep. of course we can survive on less, but to be truly our best selves, we need our 8 hours. :)
7- we need a good shopping trip every 8 wks. doesn't have to spend much. could be just window shopping, but we need that fantasy time in a GOOD savers, or DI. :)
and drumroll for the 8th??
8- we want 8 kids. for those less maternal, they would want 8 grandkids. true.

:) so that's it. anyone want to challenge me on any of these?? if you add something, we have to change the number, and i DON'T want to be shaped like a 9....

:)

styrofoam...

least favorite time of year: halloween. why? bcs it's just too much work.

so, i'm working on costumes.... i discovered a couple of years ago that i could get those giant stuffed animals at second had stores for abt 2$, and then unstuff them and stuff the kids in. :) and make strategic holes for face,etc. anyway....so i got taylor this great horse from toy story. he's six, so it was a good size. it even had  a ZIPPER!! no need to worry abt how to get him in!! so this morning i unzipped it in my bedroom. hundreds of styrofoam balls bounced out and all over the floor. they are so static-y, i just can't get them cleaned up...