45 kids later

hi again. it's been a time since i've been on and a lifetime of experiences have happened.... i don't even know where to begin, other than by saying that we have been foster parents.

why? there were several situations that led to our decision, so i'll sum them up. 1- a neighbor girl came into our home several times, one time hiding in our basement. later, she "disappeared" and i found out that she was in foster care. i regretted that she had to go to a "stranger's" house.
2- i was called to be primary president, and while discussing the calling w/my then-bishop, the thought came into my mind "you should be a foster mom"....i dismissed it thinking that eric would never want to do it, but he surprised me by saying that he'd always wanted to do it.
3- i kind of made a promise to God that if He would allow us to get this house, i would open the doors to people in need. so yea, it kind of was meant to be.

we have had newborns to 17 yr olds. pooping pants at 6, stolen vehicle, death threats, broken walls, torn sheets, and countless hours of sleepless nights. laundry to fill the dining room table, and food for a half dozen kids and more of their friends. it has been the hardest work i've ever done, and i'm including chicken farm and car wash (for meg). it has also been some of the most rewarding. there have been private glances of appreciation, snuggles and hugs, confident conversations and most inspiring? children younger than 8 who have a strong belief in God, despite the godless parenting they'd experienced early on. 

we have befriended the bio parents, the adoptive parents, the caseworker, GAL's, extended family, and soooo many people affected by "the system".

through it all i have learned a few important lessons.... FIRST,  "the state" really DOES have the childrens' best interests at heart. they have to decide if they should give an abuser (of drugs, children, etc) "one more chance" to clean up and be good, or terminate their right to be parents. they have to determine if a relative who may or may not have been in the same situation as the offender is a safe alternative, or if it would be better to let the children go to strangers. sometimes they have to decide if it's best to keep the sibling groups together? or split them up bcs of learned behavior, sometimes of a sexual nature. ...and "they", like us, are human. they make mistakes. ...and sometimes it is heartbreaking for them as well.
SECOND, children really do prefer family. we had planned to adopt when we first started. we looked forward to finding "the right fit" for our family. don't get me wrong, we know that all kids come w/troubles and problems, but we felt like we have so much to offer! love, home, comforts, food, brothers, stability, education, etc.etc. it hasn't mattered. children want family. most would rather go back to the conditions they were living in----drugs, sexual promiscuity, absolute neglect, flaring tempers, etc. ----with their parents, than with us. they have an innate yearning for family, and an insatiable ability to forgive.
THIRD, no child is ever "taken" from a good parent. that doesn't mean they are bad people. it simply means they are unable ----at least at the present time--- to provide a safe environment for the child(ren). they can blame the state, their upbringing, the drugs, a boyfriend, the caseworker, even us, but the reality is: something isn't right. and if they refuse to accept responsibility, they will NOT get their child(ren) back. it's that simple.
FOURTH, drugs are the devil's most deceptive tool. i can't tell you how many times i've heard a parent say "it's not hurting anyone but me" or "it's my life"....well, it is actually DESTROYING them...from the inside out. and EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. who cares about them dies a little more every time they puff/shoot up/swallow/inhale/etc.etc.etc.

out of 45 children, 39 were removed bcs of drugs; 2 aged out of the system having served time in juvy and jail; 10 were adopted by loving "strangers"; 18 were adopted by extended family; 2 are hoping for adoption in proctor homes where the services for trauma are more available than where we live; 7 went back to parents.  these are not just "our statistics", they are "our children". we have loved them as best as we could, each and every one. individually and collectively they hold a large place in our heart.  our prayers for them is that they become not just survivors,  but THRIVERS. this life is beautiful. they can overcome the past and move forward....because of our Savior, Jesus Christ. i am eternally grateful to Him and His willingness to help us overcome life's crazy circumstances.

...in the meantime, our boys have grown up w/them. they have had to make many sacrifices, but i think they have matured through it all. one is a car salesman in jersey. two are working in orem and planning to attend UVU in the fall. one is serving a full time mission in Ghana. two are still at home, helping with the revolving door that we call <3 home <3....

origamimami

so this morning i was getting the boys ready for school...well, nagging them to get themselves ready.
taylor came into my room and sd, "Mom, i need to make 3 origami frogs bcs i told 3 friends i would bring them each one". i sd, "get in the shower, and i'll do it"... so he did, and i...TRIED. how hard could an origami frog be?? i looked up online and saw some "for kids"... but they looked too basic. then i found this really cool one listed as "easy"....  and it is super cool bcs you actually "blow" up the belly! so that's the one i settled on. i got my paper and the instructions and got 3 folds into it when i realized i couldn't do it. i called out to taylor in the shower, "taylor, i don't think i can do this...it's really hard" and he cried back, "MOM! I NEED THEM!! YOU CAN DO THEM!!"...alright already, REGROUP...so i tried w/a new paper. same thing. i tried folding differently than i had the first time. anyway, 15 futile attempts later, after modifying from the "easy" one, to the "basic one" to a giraffe and finally finishing w/a horse (hey! it can do somersaults!....well, it's SUPPOSED to do somersaults)... i presented to tay. "nah. i can't take THAT to school mom. it doesn't even work". defeated, i surrendered.
while attempting my feat, i remembered back to a day when i had come home to my mom and sd that "we are going to make frog skirts". obviously she knew that "we" meant "her" bcs I couldn't sew a straight line. i remember her pulling me away from my friends and saying that she didn't ever want me to volunteer her to do things like that up front of my friends again. and then she begrudgingly set to work making dark green corduroy circle skirts and then sewing frogs on the pockets. hand-drawn, hand-cut out, and machine stitched using the old-fashioned sewing machines that aren't computer programmed. as i folded each paper this morning, i felt guilty for having promised my mom's time to something so trivial to her. i wanted to call her, 35 yrs later and apologize. but as i reminisced abt the skirts, something inside of me changed. SHE actually DID the skirts! and they turned out FABULOUS!! and me and grazynka LOVED them!! i, on the other hand, failed epically, to the tune of pinterest fails (note: no 'after' photos). what I did for my mom HAD to boost her self-esteem!! what taylor did for me, plummeted mine. after all, it's just a stupid paper folding frog! yes, my mom owed me. so i didn't call and apologize. one of these days, maybe SHE'll call ME and say "thank you for challenging me up front of your friends... bcs of that, i learned that i am fully capable of making something awesome out of a pile of scraps". :) yea, i'll wait for that call....

:)

candy crush saga

at the risk of offending yet another person, i write this post...
i have had some facebook friends write comments on my timeline abt the annoying alerts that they receive due to my candy crush playing. to them, i direct my comments.

i wouldn't say that i'm addicted to candy crush, as it is one of only a few things that i can stop mid-game and change what i'm doing. part of the reason i enjoy playing it.... try doing that w/your scriptures! i can't focus or re-focus quick enough to make sense. ...but i work hard. i do yardwork, gardening, cooking, baking, reading w/the kids, exercising w/the kids, biking, missionary work, visiting teaching, laundry and the list goes on and on. i take kids to the counselor, dentist, doctor. i tutor for the MTC and for the learning-behind kids at school. i help w/the bookmobile. OFTEN at one of these 'away' activities, i have what i like to call "downtime". this is when i'm waiting on kids/appts/phone calls, etc. it's a minute here or 5 minutes there. sometimes i'm stuck at the dentist/dr/counselor office for over an hour. but it's unplanned time. i usually start by trying to read my scriptures, or memorize the family proclamation. but it's usually interrupted w/phone calls or conversation in the room. so i put it away and take out "candy crush". :) why?? it's mindless drivel that i can do w/interruptions. it doesn't take more than a couple of brain cells, but it keeps me from falling asleep on the job.

i don't often send requests to friends, but i have seen that it asks for lives to be sent to friends when i log on. i usually acquiesce, as i know what a "treasure" it is when friends send them to me.   apparently this is where people get annoyed. ?? or maybe my requests...though i usually select those i know are playing.

that's the background. my confusion, and question lies here....

i have a cell phone. i have a laptop. and i have a kindle. my cell phone beeps often. when i log onto my fb on laptop, it often  has 30 or more "notifications". i scroll through for any links to conversations i've had, or something that draws my attention. but often they are simply invites and/or requests for castlemania or slotmania or a number of other manias... i simply ignore. when my phone beeps, i know the difference between a phone call, text or facebook msg. all 3 of which might need my immediate attention. i also know the sound of a notification. that is something i choose to ignore. i dont' feel the need to respond to every sound my phone makes, as it is not controlling my life.  so my question is this:  why do you??

please, please, PLEASE understand this...i love you. all of my friends on facebook were added only after considering thoughtfully each person. there's not a friend that i'd want to lose. certainly not over a facebook (or any other media) game. i'm not tech savvy. i don't even know what a hashtag is used for, nor do i own a twitter or other account. i'm facebook loyal. :)  but if my distraction is driving you nuts, feel free to unfriend me. sure i might have my feelings a little hurt, but i've recovered from a lot worse. :) however, when my kids complain bcs "he's looking at me" or "he's sitting too close", i tell them what i try to do myself when someone's chewing w/their mouth open, or farting nearby...IGNORE it. that's the peacemaker approach.

my humblest apologies to anyone i've offended. if you know me at all, you know that i have shed many, MANY tears over unintended offenses i've made w/my big mouth. i NEVER want to hurt another soul. not even for revenge. it's just not my nature. so please, if i've offended you, forgive me. i'm only writing to understand....

nagging mom

i had an epiphany this morning.

every now and then i have a thought that just hits me in my heart, and this is one of them. i realize that after you read this post, most of you will say "DUH. you didn't know that????" ....and my answer is, "yes, i KNEW that, but i didn't REALIZE how serious it is". so here goes...

i'm a nag. confession time. it's the truth. i'm a one-eyebrow raised, bordering on a scowl, over-and-over again NAG. and i don't like how i am. bcs of this, my kids don't like how i am either. and bcs of how they react to me, i don't like them very much a lot of the time. don't get me wrong, we all know the adage that we can love someone to the core, but not like them very much. well, that's me. so here's what i realized today...

why do i nag?? bcs i need help. i'm overworked and exhausted. no, i don't work outside the home. i'm not an author or a mary kay specialist. i'm not a model on the side (no surprises there) and i dont' teach gospel doctrine. but i do laundry every monday from abt 645 in the morning until usually around 6p at night. i cook dinner every day. sometimes it's leftovers, but hey! i still have to pull them out and heat them up and wash the dishes and clean the counter. but OFTEN i'll start dinner in the morning when i take the meat out to defrost. :) i make desserts often. i love sugar. and i think it's good in moderations. :) plus, homemade chocolate cake is a lot better than a store bought twinkie. i work in the yard; weeding, planting, trimming, but mostly weeding.  i clean the house. wiping down doors, counters, etc. sweeping the floors. constantly. on a very very good day, i'll even mop the floors on my  hands and knees. and i visit people. neighbors, friends, inactives, people. i break up fights. not between the people i visit, that's just w/my own kids. sometimes that requires lengthy discussions w/the boys that can often linger into the next activity. i help w/homework. i'm just tired. so i occasionally will ask the boys for help. "alex, will you empty the dishwasher please?" ...."andrew, will you take the garbage to the dump?" ...."brandon, will you take out the garbage?" on top of that, i really do think that ALL of my kids, from 8-22 are capable of making their beds and cleaning up after themselves.

this is where the problem lies...  my kids will say "okay...." and then proceed to give me a "gotta-do-this-first" list. and i haven't pushed the issue. so for a number of years, i've had kids basically negotiate what they think is important to them on their time frame. which usually leads to someone forgetting. which leads me to reminding them (first nag), which leads to them getting annoyed, which leads to them subconsciously rebelling and NOT doing it, which leads to me MORE nagging. which leads to tears, frustration and fighting.

i'm not exaggerating when i say this. just yesterday i had to tell one of my boys to bring up his laundry so i could start a load THREE times. first he decided to pack, then he had to put in his contacts. it was easily a half hour before he brought it up. that meant i didn't have time to get a load started before i had to bike another one to school.

soooooooooooooo...i'm hoping eric gets on board w/me. i'm going to propose that we have a "do it NOW" policy. that when i (or he) tell(s) them to do something, they DO IT NOW. no negotiating. no tv show, no conversation, NOTHING is more important than just being obedient. then i dn't have to worry abt them forgetting and not doing it.

:) i'm sooo excited to try this new thing. incidentally, i never realized this was such a problem before now. in the past, and i know in my "darker" past, my kids jumped when i asked for help. i think part of my recovery was learning to lighten up. yet, i didn't. i just internalized the anxiety. now i'm hoping for a release....

:)

scary men

i had a thought-provoking experience that i just have to put on electronic "paper". i won't mention any names or anything that might implicate anyone, but it's MY experience anyway...so...
yesterday i was out weeding the front yard. i was sitting on a pile of rocks getting those long stringy weeds that were spiderwebbing across the rocks, and kind of crouched behind the wheelbarrow that was collecting my garbage...when i heard something that  made me look up. i don't know what i heard, but my attention was directed to the west of my house, up front of my neighbor's house. i saw a guy getting loud w/his "gf". (so i thought). i adjusted my prescription sunglasses and started to get in a "getting-ready-to-pounce" position when i saw him JERK his head towards hers. she shook and grimaced and hugged herself. he loudly sd some profanities before marching off towards the east. they both saw me watching them, but after she and i made eye contact, she looked down and never did look back towards me. i watched her follow him from abt 15 feet behind till they were out of my view.
what was i thinking? that if he had "laid a hand on her" i was going to jump up. what would i have done? i have no idea. i probably would have pulled him off of her. or gotten up front of her. i don't know what i would have done, but i couldn't have sat there and watched him hurt her.
...or could i? abt 20 minutes later, after i was sitting back in my room contemplating this post, the doorbell rang. a sheriff's deputy was at the front door. he asked me if i had just witnessed a fight. i told him "kind-of". he asked me to tell him what i saw. i told him what i just wrote to you. he asked me if he had head-bunted her. i told him i didn't think so, but i couldn't see that well, and it's possible he did. i told him JUST EXACTLY what i wrote to you. he asked what they were wearing, where i saw them, if i'd seen him afterwards. i answered all of his questions in detail. he had come back, but was walking alone. in my imagination i thought i saw a shiny object in his hand, which when translated by creative part of my brain was a knife. he had stabbed her and was now coming back for me, the one witness. back to reality: he had nothing in his hand, and was just walking back to the direction they originally came from. however, i DID tell the officer abt my scary fantasy. (haha). he asked for all the usual witness information, my name/phone/birthdate/weight (haha on the last) and thanked me and left. a while later i heard from a friend who happens to be friends w/this gal, that he HAD headbunted her. that she is his wife, and that she is pregnant w/his baby. that she got a restraining order and moved in w/her grandma.  that's the follow-up.

now for the thoughts... first, what would i have done? having been abused, i know that when the abuser thinks you have betrayed/snitched-on him, the repercussions can be worse than the original harm. so asking her if she's okay up front of him could easily turn on her. they could get home and have him accuse her of making a scene that drew my attention in the first place. however, having been abused, i can't sit still and NOT do something. there were dozens of times that i wished SOMEONE would step up and try to protect me. i know that many knew what was going on behind closed doors. my abuser/husband was a prominent man in the community and at church, and was known for his gentle nature. to the public, he was the most kind person you could meet. in fact, that was one of the initial things that attracted me to him. it was in the privacy of our marriage that i saw the darker side of him. but i knew that people knew. rumors had come full circle, i had been seen w/black eyes and bruises. people had confronted me directly and indirectly. i always lied to cover things up. one time my ob/gyn (who happened to be my bishop at the time) pulled me aside and asked why i had 2 black eyes (which i thought were well concealed under makeup). i told him that my youngest son at the time had headbunted my nose when i was tying his shoes. he whispered, "i know what's going on soo, if you ever want to talk abt it, i'm here for you". to this day i will NEVER forget that. i knew he cared. he knew my secret, but he wasn't going to compromise my safety.  there were others who never sd anything. i wondered if they didn't care. so that was the me, then.
the me NOW thinks differently...
i know that it's scary to approach someone who is being abused. i know that they will likely go back to the abuser, even if our perceived safety is offered.  so why do they return? 3 reasons: 1- they think that the abuse is their fault (if only i hadn't served the chicken raw), 2- they think that they don't deserve better , after all, they are the cause. 3- they literally fear for their lives. the thought of the abuser renting a plane and looking for them to do WHAT? to them?? the fear is in the wondering...

sooooo, after digressing, my final thoughts are these:

if you are being abused, please know that you are not alone. if you have heard all the stories of typical abusers and your's doesn't qualify, it doesn't mean you aren't being abused. if you've been hit, punched, choked, kicked, head-bunted, squoze, or even threatened, YOU ARE ABUSED.   you didn't deserve it. you don't deserve it. and he WILL continue until YOU change. not the things you are doing to make him mad, but the situation you are living in. you need help. you need to get out. there really are shelters that have bulletproof doors and windows and electric fences. there are people who know how crazy an abuser can become in the heat of the moment. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

if you know of someone who is abused, TELL HER YOU KNOW. those words from my dr/bishop/friend meant more to me than any other words anyone spoke. tell her you are here for her and will be WHENEVER she decides to get out. tell her you will help her formulate a plan, bcs leaving isn't an easy thing under any circumstances. DON'T judge her when she doesn't take you up on your offer. trust is something you have to build with her. GET IN THE MIDDLE. if you see her man being abusive towards her, DON'T stand idly by. if you are concerned abt safety, call 911, but don't ignore bad behavior. i know that people knew what was going on at my home, and those who didn't stand up for me reinforced my feelings that i didn't deserve any better.

and that's my final thought: i really do believe that there is someone for everyone. i believe that EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and kindness and respect. i don't care what mistakes a person has made in his or her life, NO ONE deserves to be treated w/anger or intimidation. NO ONE. it would be better to be alone than to be in an abusive situation. i can promise you that. i have been there.

ps: (this is actually my FINAL thought)... years later i am married to a wonderful man. i ask him all the time "are you mad at me?" and he always responds the same, "no, SHOULD i be?" . he treats me the way ALL women deserve to be treated.  and i consider him my best reward for any good i might have done in my life. i'm adding this to you bcs i want you to know that there is light at the end of that dark tunnel....

:)

death

i don't think that i'm thinking too much abt death, but i have had a few thoughts over the past couple of wks. this one is more of a "am i sane?" type of thought....

why do people write msgs to their deceased loved ones on facebook? i'm not trying to be insulting in any way, i'm simply trying to understand. do they think the deceased is actually READING fb?? bcs i don't think so. or maybe they are just writing their thoughts to evoke support from their friends. if it's the latter, i TOTALLY get it.  ...but maybe they should write it to their audience...that these are my feelings...

??

another question:  when people write something and other's respond w/ "you're in my prayers", is it true?? are the people truly saying a prayer for that person? or is just a nice thought. i have a hard time writing it, unless i KNOW that i'm goign to take a moment and seriously say a prayer for that person. sometimes i will, but sometimes i'm not in a position to do that. and i know that in my heart of hearts i'll forget later, or maybe i don't even necessarily agree that a prayer is warranted. am i crazy?? or mean??

last question: why do people visit a grave? do they believe the spirit is there waiting for them? do they believe that's a portal to the other side?? perhaps it is, this is a sincere question. i just wonder bcs i would imagine that they are busy doing what they need to do on the other side of the veil.

what do i know? very little... these are just a few thoughts...

:)

thinning veil

i've had a lot of thoughts this past month abt life and death. part of it is bcs i finished reading Jesus the Christ, by James A. Talmage. WOW!! it was one of the most intriguing books of my life, and HIGHLY recommended. :) it opened my eyes to the life of our Savior, and His importance in "the Plan", and how it personally affects me. it also gave me great thought into how i'm preparing for His imminent return. within 2 wks of finishing the book, i had the opportunity to go to stake conference where our temple president was speaking. he told how he's been a patriarch for 37 yrs and was given the opportunity to bless "some" people that they would be alive when our Lord returns. WOW!!! think about it.... back in the days of Joseph Smith, there were many MANY people who believed that it would be in their lifetime. i followed suit, but always thought "eh, they thought it too and were wrong, so i probably am also". and it's possible that it's not going to happen in MY generation, but it most certainly will by my CHILDREN's generation. so what am i doing to prepare my boys to meet their Savior?!? what am i doing to prepare them to RECOGNIZE Him?? that's been my thought this past little while....

along the same lines, a family whom i have always looked up to and respected just lost their 12 yr old handicapped daughter to the next life. they knew it was inevitable, but the grace with which they handled her "graduation" was heartwarming and a HUGE testimony builder for me. i felt the Spirit so strongly during her viewing, that i felt as though i could almost see through the veil.

i want you to know that i KNOW that Jesus is the Christ. i KNOW that He really did come to earth in a mortal body, and live His short lifespan only to be crucified and separated from His body for a short time. 3 days later, He was restored PERMANENTLY to His then immortal body. bcs of that, WE ALL WILL HAVE THAT BLESSING! we WILL be given eternal life!! so.... what KIND of life is mine going to be?! one of misery and selfishness?? or one full of love and happiness?! i'm HOPING for the latter, but i know i have a lot to work on.

anyway, it's just inspiring for me to think of Jesus who is probably getting ready to come back. my grandma and grandpa sellers also just passed on. in fact, grandpa did last friday, i believe, and 5 days later grandma followed him. i'm sure they are anxious to help get him ready, and i'm pretty sure i can see grandma fixing His hair. not trying to be sacrilegious in any way, but she was a detail oriented person. i can see her in my mind's eye chasing Jesus as He's preparing to leave "WAIT! you can't go down looking like THAT! HERE! let me get that for you" and then spit combing his hair out of his eyes....

:) what can i do to be ready on THIS side of the veil? lots. i better get busy...

:)

women and the priesthood

not that anyone is asking, but my thoughts on the women at the priesthood session are these: this is the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints. it is founded and practiced on principles established by our Savior Himself. if there are to be changes made in any regard within the church, it is not done by public opinion, voting, majority rules, or demonstrations. it is to be done through revelation from Christ himself to our prophet. and finally, why are women not satisfied with the blessings we have?? do we not have the SOLE ability to bear children?? how are we going to make THAT one equal?? answer: we can't. and we aren't supposed to. life isn't fair and it's not supposed to be. but we can choose to be happy no matter what our challenges may be. there. my opinion... 

day after Christmas... sweetness..

just wanted to share my thoughts this morning abt Christmas yesterday. what a sweet day it was. i got to see or talk w/each of my boys. there was NO fighting between them. it was just a really special day. eric gave me knee pads so i wont' get blisters doing the floors anymore...and a cool alarm clock so i don't have to climb over him to see what time it is in the middle of the night....and my favorite thing of all? that greg olsen picture of Jase and Jesus. i love it. from the first time i saw it, it stopped me in my tracks. THAT IS MY JASON. talking on a park bench w/JESUS. :) doesn't get any better than that. :) so it was a thoughtful day.
and in my birth family, we take turns doing families...we'll , we did until next yr... we've decided to not do it anymore. anyway, this year, we gave to dan and his fam, and dave and kathy gave to us. they spoiled us rotten. a beautiful HUGE wreath, some candies and a game, legos, and a really sweet "mooney forever" plaque. it was all so nice. and stamped on the box that they mailed it in was the shipping price....$91.83. shocking!! i was sooo embarrassed bcs that alone exceeded the 50$ limit. but they were soooo sweet abt it. sd they were planning all year to send it, and had budgeted the expensive cost in. so earlier this morning before anyone was up, i went out ot hte garbage and cut out the label...the addresses of both of us and the cost that they paid. i'm going to frame it. i know that sounds a little corny/stupid, but it's a sweet reminder that we are loved and that they were thoughtful enough to plan all year for that. :) makes my heart swell. i'll take a picture and post it when i get a frame for it. also the Jase/Jesus picture...and t he plaque. :)

bro code/sis code

the other day i had a conversation w/jase. he informed me of the innate "bro code" that he claims all men aspire to. not that they wouldn't be happe w/less, but this is the ultimate....
not sure if there's an order, but this is my  memory...
1- 6 pack (every man wants a body w/a 6-pack)
2- making 6 figures
3- owning a vehicle w/a 6 hp engine (does a ride-on lawnmower count?)
4- 6 ft tall (to BE 6 ft tall...though eric is considerably less and he's PERFECT for me..>)
5- oh my...i can't think of the 5th thing right now....i'll have to come back to it....
6- to be "6 inches"...k. as soon as he sd that, i suggested we come up w/an alternative. he agreed that a 6 month engagement to be married would suffice. :) so taht's the cleaned up version of the bro-code.

in the essence of "equality" (and no, i'm not usually all abt it...), my friend merion and i came up w/ a sis code... it's completely open for editing and ratifying, but here's what we came up w/....
...and we had to choose the number 8 for the obvious reason, as we get moving here....
1- to be a size 8 (or smaller, but 8 is good)
2- to have 8 shoes (1 pair of sandals, sneakers, dress shoes that are flat, high heeled shoes, brown boots, black boots, slippers and sunday shoes that aren't high and sexy or flat and matronly...those are for pants only)
3-

...wait! just got a fb chat msg from jase, and he is informing me that i got it all wrong...it's not the bro-code. it's just the 6- 6es...he's telling me that the bro code is different. oh, the male gender is just soooo complicated and confusing...

k. first i need to be clear, this is NOT the "bro code" apparently that's a different ballgame entirely. something abt a code of conduct. i asked if  it was like "don't make  eye contact at the urinals" and he sd, "no", but he didn't clarify....
second, he didn't make it up. he sd that it's just UNIVERSAL knowledge. and that i'm going to make him look stupid if i am suggesting that he is the author.

okay, the 5th 6 ?? it's 6 yrs of post high school education.

they are actually quite admirable, these "goals"... :) k. back to the girls....
we want 3- 8 hours MINIMUM of 1on1 "talk" time /wk w/our significant other. MINIMUM. could be considered "date night", but we prefer it as talking after day time...
4- we want to be shaped like the number 8. :) some prefer the bulby 8's, and others prefer the long skinny ones. either way, we want a waist and boobs. we are girls, afterall....
5- 8 places on the body we like to be kissed. you can use your imagiation on this one, but really you don't have to. i counted cheeks as 2, bcs we like to be kissed equally on both sides of the face. :)
6- we need 8 hours of sleep. of course we can survive on less, but to be truly our best selves, we need our 8 hours. :)
7- we need a good shopping trip every 8 wks. doesn't have to spend much. could be just window shopping, but we need that fantasy time in a GOOD savers, or DI. :)
and drumroll for the 8th??
8- we want 8 kids. for those less maternal, they would want 8 grandkids. true.

:) so that's it. anyone want to challenge me on any of these?? if you add something, we have to change the number, and i DON'T want to be shaped like a 9....

:)

styrofoam...

least favorite time of year: halloween. why? bcs it's just too much work.

so, i'm working on costumes.... i discovered a couple of years ago that i could get those giant stuffed animals at second had stores for abt 2$, and then unstuff them and stuff the kids in. :) and make strategic holes for face,etc. anyway....so i got taylor this great horse from toy story. he's six, so it was a good size. it even had  a ZIPPER!! no need to worry abt how to get him in!! so this morning i unzipped it in my bedroom. hundreds of styrofoam balls bounced out and all over the floor. they are so static-y, i just can't get them cleaned up...  

babies and teeth....baby teeth

i'm having a hard time not crying...i just learned that taylor---my current "baby" lost his tooth while at his father's house. :( i know, i know, i'm a big ol' baby, and it's "just a tooth", but it is his FIRST loose tooth. and i wasn't there. 

today alex earned 6 merit badges at a court of honor, and i wasn't there. why? bcs it's four hours away, and i couldn't make it. 

i hate divorce. it just confirms that life isn't fair. i have made every possible choice to be a mom to my kids. i haven't put them in daycare, and i've worked in every unconventional job to ensure that i could "be there" for them.  and two big whammies in one day. 

i just wonder... what will i miss next??  first date?? first dance?? 

sometimes life really isn't fair.... :( 

frogs

i love frogs. i have ALWAYS loved frogs. i had a collection of frogs when i was younger. i had the stuffed animals, the clock, the watch, even a skirt that my mom made for me and a friend (grazynka). :) but frogs don't necessarily love me. i remember buying my boys some swimming frogs in alaska. we went to work one morning and came home and they were floating in the bowl. so, good mother that i am, i bought new ones, and repeated the murders. :( i have no idea what i did wrong. :( 

i remember "frog-sitting" for a friend (michael sandberg) when he went on vacation. it escaped and i was unable to catch it. i don't know if he EVER forgave me for it. and i really didn't see the harm in taking it for a swim in the creek at tuscan school. how was I to know that it would use that as it's "get-away". 

one more memory?? i remember one year when jase was really small...he wanted a pet for christmas. i was living in a townhouse, and unsure of how i could provide for one. he went to the church Christmas party and told "santa" (my brother dan) that all he wanted was a pet. "santa" told him he was such a good boy, he might actually give him rudolph!! well, jase trusted uncle "santa" and came home soooo *EXCITED* abt the news. i had to beg dan for help. he left a note on the sliding door for jase: "dear jase, you're such a good boy that i would love to give you rudolph. however, on second thought, i'm not sure how we'd manage to get all the toys to all the other boys and girls if i gave him to you.... i'll give you something ELSE instead. and you're going to love it just as well". (k. it was SOMETHING like that). so i bought a white's tree frog. (go ahead, google it. i know you're dying to see what it looks like...)  i got a large terrarium at the local DI (my favorite store), and got all the equipment for it...heat rock, fake pond, plants, branches, and a frog delicacy....CRICKETS!! loaded it up and prepared for Christmas morning. well, it came...jase went down the stairs and was SOOOOOO *EXCITED* when he looked into the cage and shouted "MOM!!! SANTA REALLY DID GIVE ME A PET!!! ONLY HE GAVE ME A LOOOOT OF THEM!!! LOOK AT ALL THESE CRICKETS!!!!!"  i had to redirect his attention to the predator, not the prey. 

anyway,( two hours and 37 minutes later,) i'm back to my story of frogs... sorry...i get distracted sometimes.... i was thinking of how frogs just have a country feel. they remind me of summertime. though aside from these stories, the only other memory i have was of dad driving over little frogs going to the cabin he rented in vermont when i was a kid..... :( 

but the other night, some of our boys were outside doing "the boy thing"....catching frogs. it was so heartwarming to me. not sure why, but it just made me happe inside. :) not sure if it was the frogs? 

 or the boys:

dreams...

k. they say that dreams should be written down. that occasionally they are inspired, a way to receive revelation. well, unless eric's really leaving me for an olympic gymnast, or i just had a baby that looks like the crazy guy on nacho libre, i don't give much credence to them. HOWEVER, two nights ago i had a dream that has plagued me. in my dream, i was running my fingers through my hair, and as i did it, clumps of hair were coming out in my hands. i looked in the mirror, and my hair on the right side was like this:
 shiny, dark, beautiful. i think i pretty much looked like her too. but hey, this was MY dream....creative liberties are allowed... :) anyway, the other half of my head looked like it normally does. kind of like this:now you might be looking at her porcelain skin and distracted from the frizzy see-thru mess, but that's what my hair usually looks like.  time to confess:

i have been frizzy/curly haired my whole life. or as long as i can remember. i do recall seeing a picture of me when i was in preschool probably where my bangs were shiny and dark. oh, to have those still.... :( anyway, i have done everything, from straightening to braiding to the ol' "what-not-to-wear" favorite: scrunchies. in fact, i have one in my hair as i write. :(   a cousin introduced me to "the curly girl handbook" and i did everything religiously. no more shampoos. no more blow drying, straightening, etc. air dry only. tons of conditioner. co-washing. everything. i even did the gel. for 2 months now. and i hate the feel of the "CRUNCH" of gel. i like touchable hair. i like to ride my bike  and have my hair blowing softly in the wind. not hear the sound of doritoes being chewed in my ear. so yea...last night, the devil got the best of me and i broke down and got hair dye. i didn' twant the orange scarecrow hair w/stripes of grey. (think:   and i mean no disrespect to this woman. she CLEARLY had a beautiful face at an earlier age...before her days of crime.) i colored my hair. i bought a PERMANENT, but i guess the definition is more "exaggeration" than truth, bcs i can see the greys! how is that possible??  to avoid slanderous remarks abt the company (preference, by l'oreal), i can attest that it DOES permanently dye SOME materials. my cheek, for example. two showers, a loofah, alcohol, vaseline and two coats of cover-up AND foundation (this girl does NOT wear foundation!), and here's the evidence...   okay, i have to doubly confess... i added a little eyeliner bcs the camera flash washed it out, so i had to "emphasize" it, but taht's what it REALY looks like in natural light. :)
so...question:  was this dream revelatory???  do i get out the scissors?????

yardwork

so, since moving into this house, we've had to completely re-landscape the yard. (dang bank let it go to pot) this means a lot of pulling up weeds, pricker bushes, dead stumps/trees/branches/bushes, etc. then raking out all the other stuff and laying down that weed-free fabric and re-rocking/woodchipping, planting,etc.  

soooo...the other day i was fighting the wind. it was incredible.  i'm wrestling w/everything outside. i almost threw a rock at sparky. not really, but i literally had been fighting the wind and i was sweating and frustrated and i looked over and he's laying there sleeping. i had a moment of "YOU DUMB DOG....LAYING AROUND ALL THE TIME AND NEVER HELPING W/ANYTHING" ...but that's as far as it went. well, actually i did have a  rock in my hand and a momentary thought to throw it at him. but THAT was all. :) hehe...  i just sometimes wonder who has it better? man or dog?? bcs unless you're an unemployed democrat, you can't sit around and get fed and loved for nothing. they really have it easy. and i know you  might say "yea, but some dogs are tied up and left outside in the winter....or beaten by their owners...." to that i say, "yes, but so are some kids..."  :(  anyway, it must be nice. but i guess they don't have much self-esteem. bcs i would hate myself if i lived like that.

more tender mercies...

i know i haven't written in a while, but i've still been thinking. ("what?" you ask, ....YES, i do actually think...) and another tender mercy was made plain to me....

i don't know abt any other mom out there, but my kids have bad days. the kind where it doesn't matter WHAT i say or do, they are glaring at me w/"you disgust me" eyes, and smarting off w/a bad attitude. they might have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, or any of a gajillion other things. the point is, they are demon child for that period of time. well, this past wk, we had 2 journal-worthy episodes w/2 different boys. and it hit me kind of hard that we never have more than 1 boy at a time in that snarly mood!! do you have any idea what a tender mercy that is?!? bcs one is bad enough. sometimes it's all i can do to keep from putting my shoe down their throat. and i'm absolutely convinced that HF interferes somehow to make sure that i dont' have to deal w/more than one at a time. He knows my breaking point. :) THANK YOU. :)

....eric, on the other hand, thinks that when 1 is bad, the others are thinking, "this is my moment to shine" and polish up their halos for extra kudos from the parents.... 

:)

so.....this morning i have bralex taking the dogs for a  nail clipping and sparky's summer shave (he's a disgusting shedder). and they told sam and taylor they're going to sacramento. so sammy was saying to me, "mom, how come THEY get to go to sacramento?". i sd, "sam, really...do you know where sacramento IS??" he sd, "yea", i sd, "how do you think they're going to get there?" he sd, "andrew's going to drive them". i sd, "first of all, do you know how long it takes to get there?" he sd, "yea, one or two days" (smart kid). i sd, "andrew's not going w/them". i didn't want bralex to know i was giving away their little "joke", but sam was getting really worked up. so i was looking at him w/wide eyes and asking direct questions to get him thinking. i sd, "sam, in a few minutes, you will see the boys walking the dogs on their leashes w/out any suitcases down the alley way as if they are going to the pet salon". and taylor piped in, "sammy, THEY'RE TAKING THE BUS!!!"

you should have seen their eyes. i think they actually got a little teary-eyed. 

:)

A few years ago my son Jase had taken his car and parked in on USU campus w/some friends  so they could attend a dance. When it was time to come home, they couldn’t find the keys anywhere. He returned home w/out his car figuring he’d find it when the sun came up the next day. For several days he and his friends went back to that area and searched for the keys. No success. I was starting to get nervous bcs I knew that he had to get the car off the lot before the next week or he would have it booted and towed. (another expense I couldn’t afford). L I sent him back several times. I called a locksmith and found out it would cost about 200$ to replace the keys. I just didn’t have it. I called all of the campus offices and the campus police to see if anyone had reported them. One night I had a dream. In my dream I saw very clearly jason’s keys….they were in some hedge bushes up against a large brick building. So I had the thought of asking jase, “where else did you go when you were there?”.

 “no place else, just the dance” he replied.  

Then the thought occurred to me that maybe he had been doing his parkour/monkey climbing on the campus buildings, so I asked and he confirmed this thought.  The next day I was very upset at jase. He had given up on finding them. He and several friends went up to campus and searched again only to return empty handed. When they arrived at home I went a little berserk. I reminded him that I don’t have the money to pay for new keys, nor could I afford to pay the boot or tow. I was major stressed out. I tried to get them to go back, but they insisted they weren’t there. I even told him of my dream and he sd, “there aren’t any brick buildings up there”.  Then I asked the clincher question: “have you asked Heavenly Father where they are?”

He and his friends sniggered at me. “no mom, that’s stupid.”

I sd, “maybe so, but if anyone knows where they are, it is He”.

“fine then, YOU ask”. I

I sd I would. I called meg and she came to get me. In my emotional state I told her that I needed to pray for help and that if there ever was a time when I needed my prayers answered, it was now. That I needed to prove to these kids that HF answers prayers. So I prayed.

Meg took me to campus and pointed out where the car was parked. I walked around the spot where the car was, I looked in the garbage cans nearby. Then I walked to a raised garden planter and hopped up on the wall. Lo and behold, like the heavens themselves opened and a finger was pointing, the keys glistened! (okay, okay, maybe there wasn’t a glisten, but there MIGHT have been…it was hard to tell through my tears). I raced home, showed the boys and told them how my prayer was answered.   I know it seems simple and even stupid, but I knew that if I went back empty-handed I would have several boys who would have fuel to be doubting thomases. J HF took that excuse away. J

One year I drove to northern California as a single mom w/my 4 boys at the time. because of divorce, I had to get 2 of my boys to meet their dad in Nevada. Long story short, I was struggling really bad financially, and just prior to our trip had bought my oldest son Jase a pair of sneakers. I was so tight on money that I was hoping those shoes would last the entire school year. Anyway, there were a lot of little miracles on that trip, including driving past a couple of deer who were between us and a mountain and they didn’t run out in the road, and a couple of other things that I don’t now recall (shame on me for not writing them down), but the biggest miracle was this:  about halfway into our day long trip I decided to pull over and let the boys get out and run around under the guise of trying to catch a lizard or find a tortoise. Anyway, we randomly pulled over and got out and ran around for a bit, then hopped back in the car. We drove on to our destination and started the return trip with just me and Jase and Taylor. Most of the drive consisted of a road driving between tan sandy desert dotted w/black rocks and occasional cactus. After about an hour of driving (if my memory serves me right) at about 80 mph I thought I spotted a black shoe. I asked jase, “do you have your shoes?” he sd, “yes, I do”. I sd, “get them”. He looked around and held up a shoe. (all the while I was still driving, but had slowed down to abt 60mph). I asked him where the other one was…and he looked realizing he didn’t have it!! I drove back and miraculously found the missing shoe (that we hadn’t known was missing) within a few minutes. It was a miracle bcs I wasn’t looking for it, it was a random fall-out-of-the-car, and it was in the middle of nowhere. Oh, and I was driving super fast and didn’t have the best eyesight. (still don’t).  Had we gotten back w/out the shoes, I don’t know what I would have done. I truly didn’t hae the money to replace them. That was a huge tender mercy for me.

Just thinking about tender mercies... thought i ought to write abt a few of them. I have to tell you that these are personal and sacred to me. but they are my testimony that there IS a loving creator who is our Father in Heaven. i cannot deny that i know this, and here are some of my reasons...This past week we had a toilet clog. I understand that’s not a big deal, but it has happened so often that I am just soooo disgusted by it. …and it didn’t just clog, but it overflowed…so there was brown poopy water everywhere. And as I plunged and plunged, it splashed all over me. I felt like a kid who had fallen into an outhouse hole. It WAS that disgusting.  But there’s more to the story…. The week before, it had happened again. After plunging and snaking for a very very long time, I finally called a plumber. He came and spent a good 15 minutes working on it w/his industrial snake. …and between that and the new water heater that was needed, we spent $500. So I could NOT afford to call him again. I spent an hour trying to snake the poop, but couldn’t get the snake down at all. Twice I left it, figuring I’d leave it for Eric to take care of when he got home. And twice I returned feeling guilty. But I was using every muscle in my body to get that snake down, and it just wouldn’t go. I was sweating like crazy, and on the verge of tears. Finally I said a silent prayer as I was plunging, “I need help. I can’t do this by myself. Please. We can’t afford the plumber again. Please” ….and AS I WAS PRAYING, I FELT THE SNAKE HANDLE START TO GO LOWER… I’m not kidding either… it was  a little miracle. A true blue miracle. Sure enough, the toilet unclogged and I was able to flush it, clean it all up and have the bathroom fresh smelling again. And STILL had time to shower before p/t conference!