babies and teeth....baby teeth

i'm having a hard time not crying...i just learned that taylor---my current "baby" lost his tooth while at his father's house. :( i know, i know, i'm a big ol' baby, and it's "just a tooth", but it is his FIRST loose tooth. and i wasn't there. 

today alex earned 6 merit badges at a court of honor, and i wasn't there. why? bcs it's four hours away, and i couldn't make it. 

i hate divorce. it just confirms that life isn't fair. i have made every possible choice to be a mom to my kids. i haven't put them in daycare, and i've worked in every unconventional job to ensure that i could "be there" for them.  and two big whammies in one day. 

i just wonder... what will i miss next??  first date?? first dance?? 

sometimes life really isn't fair.... :( 

frogs

i love frogs. i have ALWAYS loved frogs. i had a collection of frogs when i was younger. i had the stuffed animals, the clock, the watch, even a skirt that my mom made for me and a friend (grazynka). :) but frogs don't necessarily love me. i remember buying my boys some swimming frogs in alaska. we went to work one morning and came home and they were floating in the bowl. so, good mother that i am, i bought new ones, and repeated the murders. :( i have no idea what i did wrong. :( 

i remember "frog-sitting" for a friend (michael sandberg) when he went on vacation. it escaped and i was unable to catch it. i don't know if he EVER forgave me for it. and i really didn't see the harm in taking it for a swim in the creek at tuscan school. how was I to know that it would use that as it's "get-away". 

one more memory?? i remember one year when jase was really small...he wanted a pet for christmas. i was living in a townhouse, and unsure of how i could provide for one. he went to the church Christmas party and told "santa" (my brother dan) that all he wanted was a pet. "santa" told him he was such a good boy, he might actually give him rudolph!! well, jase trusted uncle "santa" and came home soooo *EXCITED* abt the news. i had to beg dan for help. he left a note on the sliding door for jase: "dear jase, you're such a good boy that i would love to give you rudolph. however, on second thought, i'm not sure how we'd manage to get all the toys to all the other boys and girls if i gave him to you.... i'll give you something ELSE instead. and you're going to love it just as well". (k. it was SOMETHING like that). so i bought a white's tree frog. (go ahead, google it. i know you're dying to see what it looks like...)  i got a large terrarium at the local DI (my favorite store), and got all the equipment for it...heat rock, fake pond, plants, branches, and a frog delicacy....CRICKETS!! loaded it up and prepared for Christmas morning. well, it came...jase went down the stairs and was SOOOOOO *EXCITED* when he looked into the cage and shouted "MOM!!! SANTA REALLY DID GIVE ME A PET!!! ONLY HE GAVE ME A LOOOOT OF THEM!!! LOOK AT ALL THESE CRICKETS!!!!!"  i had to redirect his attention to the predator, not the prey. 

anyway,( two hours and 37 minutes later,) i'm back to my story of frogs... sorry...i get distracted sometimes.... i was thinking of how frogs just have a country feel. they remind me of summertime. though aside from these stories, the only other memory i have was of dad driving over little frogs going to the cabin he rented in vermont when i was a kid..... :( 

but the other night, some of our boys were outside doing "the boy thing"....catching frogs. it was so heartwarming to me. not sure why, but it just made me happe inside. :) not sure if it was the frogs? 

 or the boys:

dreams...

k. they say that dreams should be written down. that occasionally they are inspired, a way to receive revelation. well, unless eric's really leaving me for an olympic gymnast, or i just had a baby that looks like the crazy guy on nacho libre, i don't give much credence to them. HOWEVER, two nights ago i had a dream that has plagued me. in my dream, i was running my fingers through my hair, and as i did it, clumps of hair were coming out in my hands. i looked in the mirror, and my hair on the right side was like this:
 shiny, dark, beautiful. i think i pretty much looked like her too. but hey, this was MY dream....creative liberties are allowed... :) anyway, the other half of my head looked like it normally does. kind of like this:now you might be looking at her porcelain skin and distracted from the frizzy see-thru mess, but that's what my hair usually looks like.  time to confess:

i have been frizzy/curly haired my whole life. or as long as i can remember. i do recall seeing a picture of me when i was in preschool probably where my bangs were shiny and dark. oh, to have those still.... :( anyway, i have done everything, from straightening to braiding to the ol' "what-not-to-wear" favorite: scrunchies. in fact, i have one in my hair as i write. :(   a cousin introduced me to "the curly girl handbook" and i did everything religiously. no more shampoos. no more blow drying, straightening, etc. air dry only. tons of conditioner. co-washing. everything. i even did the gel. for 2 months now. and i hate the feel of the "CRUNCH" of gel. i like touchable hair. i like to ride my bike  and have my hair blowing softly in the wind. not hear the sound of doritoes being chewed in my ear. so yea...last night, the devil got the best of me and i broke down and got hair dye. i didn' twant the orange scarecrow hair w/stripes of grey. (think:   and i mean no disrespect to this woman. she CLEARLY had a beautiful face at an earlier age...before her days of crime.) i colored my hair. i bought a PERMANENT, but i guess the definition is more "exaggeration" than truth, bcs i can see the greys! how is that possible??  to avoid slanderous remarks abt the company (preference, by l'oreal), i can attest that it DOES permanently dye SOME materials. my cheek, for example. two showers, a loofah, alcohol, vaseline and two coats of cover-up AND foundation (this girl does NOT wear foundation!), and here's the evidence...   okay, i have to doubly confess... i added a little eyeliner bcs the camera flash washed it out, so i had to "emphasize" it, but taht's what it REALY looks like in natural light. :)
so...question:  was this dream revelatory???  do i get out the scissors?????

yardwork

so, since moving into this house, we've had to completely re-landscape the yard. (dang bank let it go to pot) this means a lot of pulling up weeds, pricker bushes, dead stumps/trees/branches/bushes, etc. then raking out all the other stuff and laying down that weed-free fabric and re-rocking/woodchipping, planting,etc.  

soooo...the other day i was fighting the wind. it was incredible.  i'm wrestling w/everything outside. i almost threw a rock at sparky. not really, but i literally had been fighting the wind and i was sweating and frustrated and i looked over and he's laying there sleeping. i had a moment of "YOU DUMB DOG....LAYING AROUND ALL THE TIME AND NEVER HELPING W/ANYTHING" ...but that's as far as it went. well, actually i did have a  rock in my hand and a momentary thought to throw it at him. but THAT was all. :) hehe...  i just sometimes wonder who has it better? man or dog?? bcs unless you're an unemployed democrat, you can't sit around and get fed and loved for nothing. they really have it easy. and i know you  might say "yea, but some dogs are tied up and left outside in the winter....or beaten by their owners...." to that i say, "yes, but so are some kids..."  :(  anyway, it must be nice. but i guess they don't have much self-esteem. bcs i would hate myself if i lived like that.

more tender mercies...

i know i haven't written in a while, but i've still been thinking. ("what?" you ask, ....YES, i do actually think...) and another tender mercy was made plain to me....

i don't know abt any other mom out there, but my kids have bad days. the kind where it doesn't matter WHAT i say or do, they are glaring at me w/"you disgust me" eyes, and smarting off w/a bad attitude. they might have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, or any of a gajillion other things. the point is, they are demon child for that period of time. well, this past wk, we had 2 journal-worthy episodes w/2 different boys. and it hit me kind of hard that we never have more than 1 boy at a time in that snarly mood!! do you have any idea what a tender mercy that is?!? bcs one is bad enough. sometimes it's all i can do to keep from putting my shoe down their throat. and i'm absolutely convinced that HF interferes somehow to make sure that i dont' have to deal w/more than one at a time. He knows my breaking point. :) THANK YOU. :)

....eric, on the other hand, thinks that when 1 is bad, the others are thinking, "this is my moment to shine" and polish up their halos for extra kudos from the parents.... 

:)

so.....this morning i have bralex taking the dogs for a  nail clipping and sparky's summer shave (he's a disgusting shedder). and they told sam and taylor they're going to sacramento. so sammy was saying to me, "mom, how come THEY get to go to sacramento?". i sd, "sam, really...do you know where sacramento IS??" he sd, "yea", i sd, "how do you think they're going to get there?" he sd, "andrew's going to drive them". i sd, "first of all, do you know how long it takes to get there?" he sd, "yea, one or two days" (smart kid). i sd, "andrew's not going w/them". i didn't want bralex to know i was giving away their little "joke", but sam was getting really worked up. so i was looking at him w/wide eyes and asking direct questions to get him thinking. i sd, "sam, in a few minutes, you will see the boys walking the dogs on their leashes w/out any suitcases down the alley way as if they are going to the pet salon". and taylor piped in, "sammy, THEY'RE TAKING THE BUS!!!"

you should have seen their eyes. i think they actually got a little teary-eyed. 

:)

A few years ago my son Jase had taken his car and parked in on USU campus w/some friends  so they could attend a dance. When it was time to come home, they couldn’t find the keys anywhere. He returned home w/out his car figuring he’d find it when the sun came up the next day. For several days he and his friends went back to that area and searched for the keys. No success. I was starting to get nervous bcs I knew that he had to get the car off the lot before the next week or he would have it booted and towed. (another expense I couldn’t afford). L I sent him back several times. I called a locksmith and found out it would cost about 200$ to replace the keys. I just didn’t have it. I called all of the campus offices and the campus police to see if anyone had reported them. One night I had a dream. In my dream I saw very clearly jason’s keys….they were in some hedge bushes up against a large brick building. So I had the thought of asking jase, “where else did you go when you were there?”.

 “no place else, just the dance” he replied.  

Then the thought occurred to me that maybe he had been doing his parkour/monkey climbing on the campus buildings, so I asked and he confirmed this thought.  The next day I was very upset at jase. He had given up on finding them. He and several friends went up to campus and searched again only to return empty handed. When they arrived at home I went a little berserk. I reminded him that I don’t have the money to pay for new keys, nor could I afford to pay the boot or tow. I was major stressed out. I tried to get them to go back, but they insisted they weren’t there. I even told him of my dream and he sd, “there aren’t any brick buildings up there”.  Then I asked the clincher question: “have you asked Heavenly Father where they are?”

He and his friends sniggered at me. “no mom, that’s stupid.”

I sd, “maybe so, but if anyone knows where they are, it is He”.

“fine then, YOU ask”. I

I sd I would. I called meg and she came to get me. In my emotional state I told her that I needed to pray for help and that if there ever was a time when I needed my prayers answered, it was now. That I needed to prove to these kids that HF answers prayers. So I prayed.

Meg took me to campus and pointed out where the car was parked. I walked around the spot where the car was, I looked in the garbage cans nearby. Then I walked to a raised garden planter and hopped up on the wall. Lo and behold, like the heavens themselves opened and a finger was pointing, the keys glistened! (okay, okay, maybe there wasn’t a glisten, but there MIGHT have been…it was hard to tell through my tears). I raced home, showed the boys and told them how my prayer was answered.   I know it seems simple and even stupid, but I knew that if I went back empty-handed I would have several boys who would have fuel to be doubting thomases. J HF took that excuse away. J

One year I drove to northern California as a single mom w/my 4 boys at the time. because of divorce, I had to get 2 of my boys to meet their dad in Nevada. Long story short, I was struggling really bad financially, and just prior to our trip had bought my oldest son Jase a pair of sneakers. I was so tight on money that I was hoping those shoes would last the entire school year. Anyway, there were a lot of little miracles on that trip, including driving past a couple of deer who were between us and a mountain and they didn’t run out in the road, and a couple of other things that I don’t now recall (shame on me for not writing them down), but the biggest miracle was this:  about halfway into our day long trip I decided to pull over and let the boys get out and run around under the guise of trying to catch a lizard or find a tortoise. Anyway, we randomly pulled over and got out and ran around for a bit, then hopped back in the car. We drove on to our destination and started the return trip with just me and Jase and Taylor. Most of the drive consisted of a road driving between tan sandy desert dotted w/black rocks and occasional cactus. After about an hour of driving (if my memory serves me right) at about 80 mph I thought I spotted a black shoe. I asked jase, “do you have your shoes?” he sd, “yes, I do”. I sd, “get them”. He looked around and held up a shoe. (all the while I was still driving, but had slowed down to abt 60mph). I asked him where the other one was…and he looked realizing he didn’t have it!! I drove back and miraculously found the missing shoe (that we hadn’t known was missing) within a few minutes. It was a miracle bcs I wasn’t looking for it, it was a random fall-out-of-the-car, and it was in the middle of nowhere. Oh, and I was driving super fast and didn’t have the best eyesight. (still don’t).  Had we gotten back w/out the shoes, I don’t know what I would have done. I truly didn’t hae the money to replace them. That was a huge tender mercy for me.

Just thinking about tender mercies... thought i ought to write abt a few of them. I have to tell you that these are personal and sacred to me. but they are my testimony that there IS a loving creator who is our Father in Heaven. i cannot deny that i know this, and here are some of my reasons...This past week we had a toilet clog. I understand that’s not a big deal, but it has happened so often that I am just soooo disgusted by it. …and it didn’t just clog, but it overflowed…so there was brown poopy water everywhere. And as I plunged and plunged, it splashed all over me. I felt like a kid who had fallen into an outhouse hole. It WAS that disgusting.  But there’s more to the story…. The week before, it had happened again. After plunging and snaking for a very very long time, I finally called a plumber. He came and spent a good 15 minutes working on it w/his industrial snake. …and between that and the new water heater that was needed, we spent $500. So I could NOT afford to call him again. I spent an hour trying to snake the poop, but couldn’t get the snake down at all. Twice I left it, figuring I’d leave it for Eric to take care of when he got home. And twice I returned feeling guilty. But I was using every muscle in my body to get that snake down, and it just wouldn’t go. I was sweating like crazy, and on the verge of tears. Finally I said a silent prayer as I was plunging, “I need help. I can’t do this by myself. Please. We can’t afford the plumber again. Please” ….and AS I WAS PRAYING, I FELT THE SNAKE HANDLE START TO GO LOWER… I’m not kidding either… it was  a little miracle. A true blue miracle. Sure enough, the toilet unclogged and I was able to flush it, clean it all up and have the bathroom fresh smelling again. And STILL had time to shower before p/t conference! 

kindergarten love. :)

 taylor came home w/a GIANT phone number written on a paper. :) i have no idea who wrote it, but when i saw it, he grabbed it and crumpled it up. he was so embarrassed and started yelling. i got him to calm down and give it to me, but he didnt' want me to look at it. he told me it was from drew. when i looked at it, i saw that it has "I *heart* U" written in the middle of the 8. so i asked taylor if it was really from drew. he sd yes. i sd, "he sd he loves you?" he sd, "YOU LOOKED!!! NO MOM!! it's NOT from drew!!! and i don't like ANY girls!!!! i don't ever want ANY GIRLS to come play at our new house!!!" . i sd, "...but taylor....I'M a girl... " :(

integrity

the other night eric had an AWESOME little lecture w/the older boys. we have a rule that they are not supposed to play violent video games, but a little mouse informed us that they have all been sneaking and doing it behind closed doors. well, if I had been the one initiating the lecture, it would have gone something like this:  "i know you guys have been breaking family rules. bcs of this, i am taking the doors off of your bedroom. you can earn them back when you are following the rules. if you continue to try to break them when i'm not aware, you will be sleeping on teh floor too". :) but no-oooo-oo...eric is inspired. he called them in and sd this: "boys, i want to talk to you abt integrity. do you know what that word means?? it means that you are good even when no one is watching. mom and i can't babysit you all the time to make sure you are following the rules. if you are breaking them, you can probably get away with it. but not really. bcs Heavenly Father knows when you do. and so do you. and you won't be happy if you aren't a man of integrity. this shapes who you are". anyway, that was the gist of it. i was as spellbound as the boys were. he never mentioned the video games, he never accused. they weren't put on the defensive, and i won't ahve to worry abt seeing them changing in their bedrooms. :)
well, after that discussion, we had a moral dilemma w/our new house...

the purchase price on our house was 135k. that was the asking price. the realtor who holds the listing has the house listed as it is w/.35 acres. we went over and measured th lot that the house was on, and it was .35 acres. there is an additional lot behind it. i'm not sure if it's quite as big, but it's a good sized lot. it MAY be as much as .35 acres. when the house was bought by the previous owner, it was deeded together at the cost of 176k. so i have been inquiring abt that lot. who owns it? will someone be building back there? is it available for sale? will we be paying taxes on it?? will we be responsible for weed control?? etc.etc. all along i've been toldt hat the lot is not part of the house. on our sales contract, the purchase property is listed as 65 east, 200 south, delta...etc. they don't even havea  legal description. but as i was reading the appraisal last night...which is how they determined the asking price (value) of 135k, it says under property description: "lot parcel # such and such  AND lot parcel # such and such". in other words, it listed both the house AND the land. but when you look at how they determined the value, in comparison to other homes in our vicinity, the land value was adjusted to reflect just the land that the house is on. okay, so here's where it gets tricky. taht is an interior lot. there is no water or gas, but it's less than 25 feet from hook up. it's on an alley, so not likely to have any curb appeal or value for building a home. but it could easily be valued at between 10 and 20k. okay, so i called the title company and they sd that the lot was conveyed w/the houes to HUD. so i called hud. they sd they don't do land lots. if it came w/the house, it will go w/the house. so here's our dilemma.... we know that a mistake was made in determining the price. the appraiser messed up. plain and simple. do we tell them? or do we take it as is and nt mentino it? okay, my first thought was to let it slide. it's their mistake, it's their loss. but eric's little lecture on integrity kept ringing in my ears. so i did what i thought i needed to.... i called the appraisal company to point out their error. the guy got on google maps and looked at the land. he sd that it's only .35 WITH the land. i assured him it's not. he disagreed w/me. he sd that this appraiser rarely makes mistakes. he sd that it looks like a tiny lot. he sd that the only way we can know who is right would be to do a survey, and do i really want to insist on (and pay for) that?   of course not. so, i guess we're getting the land with it. :)   these are my thoughts.... if the house were to be readjusted, the value would probably go up at least 10k. taht would put it at 145k. we could afford it, bcs it would simply add to the amount we could borrow. in other words, we wouldn't have to provide more cash bcs the lender would provide it. however, w/the new value, to make it fair, would they open it up to new bidders again?? well, it's in the hands of the appraiser's boss. if he stews over our conversation and decides that it's worthy of reconsidering, we might lose the house. if he blows off the conversation bcs who am i? and what do i know? well, we just got a bigger backyard for the same price. and guess who will be planting fruit trees next summer?? :) 

life is sure interesting, isn't it??

house bid

finally!! FINALLY i can let it all hang out. i have been avoiding this blog for fear that i would blurt it out. in the middle of a blog on baking, i'd spew out: "WE BID 138K ON THE HOUSE". or maybe i'd be telling you abt my deodorant and how i forgot to epilady that morning, and my oral diarrhea would erupt: "138K, THAT'S OUR BID!!!" and then woudlnt' be able to retrieve it as our personal information hit the cyber highway. can you imagine???
yes, we have been living, the 7 of us, in a small manufactured home. please don't shed any tears for us. it's not a one-room shanty, nor is it anything i'd pretend isn't mine if the stake president wanted to come for dinner. it's just that it's a wee small for as much testosterone as we are trying to contain. when the boys wrestle, (or even the DOGS for that matter) it is often over the top of some innocent bystander's toes. so yea, our dream home would have a family room big enough to let them brawl and separate enough to be able to carry on a conversation in a different room. kapish? soooo...we've been watching this house for several months. it's become a pet project. we "discovered" it on a dog walk. then dad mooney pointed out over dinner one day that he thought no one was living there. long story short, we went to fillmore and did a title search through county records. we tracked down the original owner and made some dear friends. we have checked 3 websites at least twice a day EVERY day. we went to the county seat for a "fake" auction. (aka: hud induced auction...i'll cover THAT devilish scheme in another blog). we have talked to countless agents, attorneys, loan agents, realtors, even title insurance companies to prepare for the moment that we could place a bid. so here's how it works..... HUD (fed govt dept of housing and urban development) "owns" this house. they appraised it to be valued at 135k. which is below what it's actually worth, but they won't consider the basement since it's unfinished. (but it IS framed and partly insulated). they "open" the bid to anyone willing to make an offer, and the bid "closes" on monday. after that we just wait. so we have run the gamut on what to bid. first, we want to offer low. see what we can get it for. you know, everyone loves a good bargain. and we'd love to have a little money to actually improve the property if we get it. then we discover that there is so much competition for this house, that we decide to offer full price. we were originally told that timing is everything and that HUD will accept the first full price offer. so , discovering that the house was open for bidding on new year's eve day, we thought we had the advantage. most people were partying and doing other things. so we submitted our bid to our realtor, who submitted to her broker, who sat on it bcs he was partying. thankfully we discovered that timing is NOT everything, but that the price is critical. so we decide to bid 138k. that extra 3k would go towards commissions and fees. but then we remember the game "price is right". remember at the last part...where they see the huge prizes?? i can't remember what it's called. anyway, one person calculates meticulously what they think the car/house/vacation/boat are worth. they come up w/a thoughtful number. 43,500. the next person jumps in and wins bidding 43,501. really? so we decide we better add a dollar. but if OTHER people are thinking the same thing? so we up it to 25$. that should protect us, right?? but then we hear of MORE people wanting this house.... and we start to get stressed. here's our deal. we are on a tight budget. we have a lot of expenses. in fact, w/a broken transmission and pending legal fees for a forced court appearance... yea...you get the picture. so we decide we will offer our top dollar. plus 200$ just to make it a little more. and then we wait. wait. wait and wait some more.
"if it's right for us, we will get it". i must have said that 1000 times in the past 5 months. :)  and now? the bids are in and closed. i can reveal my bid. and you can wait WITH me. :)

update on cell phones

just thought i'd update you... i was planning to suspend our service w/verizon. the hope was that i could just bypass the bills for the duration of our term. little did i know that that's not possible. if you're not paying, the time isn't counting. after numerous phone calls and serious stress , (and yes, some serious tears), i found an agent who talked his supervisor into pushing our renewal date up two months and they are sending a phone tomorrow. hallelujah!!! :)
but i have to admit something:  i really am an addict. the idea that i might not be able to resolve things started my heart spinning like i was losing oxygen. there was a physical reaction. and i really did have to fight back the tears. it was very painful for me to realize how dependent i am to that stinkin' electronic device. i recognized that i'm very very spoiled. it's NOT a need, it's a luxury.
...and yet...
there is something extremely comforting to me when i'm riding my bike out on the lonely plains w/little more than an occasional speeding diesel, to have that hard piece of communication in my bra. and when i'm driving out in the mountains between here and the north country (salt lake metropolitan area), it's nice to know that i COULD be just a phone call from help, should i run into a deer at night. (it matters not that there is no phone service between lynndl and nephi).  so yea, i think my cell phone has replaced my security blanket of yesteryear.
but judging by the teenagers texting in the high school parking lot, i don't think i'm alone on this one....