hi again. it's been a time since i've been on and a lifetime of experiences have happened.... i don't even know where to begin, other than by saying that we have been foster parents.
why? there were several situations that led to our decision, so i'll sum them up. 1- a neighbor girl came into our home several times, one time hiding in our basement. later, she "disappeared" and i found out that she was in foster care. i regretted that she had to go to a "stranger's" house.
2- i was called to be primary president, and while discussing the calling w/my then-bishop, the thought came into my mind "you should be a foster mom"....i dismissed it thinking that eric would never want to do it, but he surprised me by saying that he'd always wanted to do it.
3- i kind of made a promise to God that if He would allow us to get this house, i would open the doors to people in need. so yea, it kind of was meant to be.
we have had newborns to 17 yr olds. pooping pants at 6, stolen vehicle, death threats, broken walls, torn sheets, and countless hours of sleepless nights. laundry to fill the dining room table, and food for a half dozen kids and more of their friends. it has been the hardest work i've ever done, and i'm including chicken farm and car wash (for meg). it has also been some of the most rewarding. there have been private glances of appreciation, snuggles and hugs, confident conversations and most inspiring? children younger than 8 who have a strong belief in God, despite the godless parenting they'd experienced early on.
we have befriended the bio parents, the adoptive parents, the caseworker, GAL's, extended family, and soooo many people affected by "the system".
through it all i have learned a few important lessons.... FIRST, "the state" really DOES have the childrens' best interests at heart. they have to decide if they should give an abuser (of drugs, children, etc) "one more chance" to clean up and be good, or terminate their right to be parents. they have to determine if a relative who may or may not have been in the same situation as the offender is a safe alternative, or if it would be better to let the children go to strangers. sometimes they have to decide if it's best to keep the sibling groups together? or split them up bcs of learned behavior, sometimes of a sexual nature. ...and "they", like us, are human. they make mistakes. ...and sometimes it is heartbreaking for them as well.
SECOND, children really do prefer family. we had planned to adopt when we first started. we looked forward to finding "the right fit" for our family. don't get me wrong, we know that all kids come w/troubles and problems, but we felt like we have so much to offer! love, home, comforts, food, brothers, stability, education, etc.etc. it hasn't mattered. children want family. most would rather go back to the conditions they were living in----drugs, sexual promiscuity, absolute neglect, flaring tempers, etc. ----with their parents, than with us. they have an innate yearning for family, and an insatiable ability to forgive.
THIRD, no child is ever "taken" from a good parent. that doesn't mean they are bad people. it simply means they are unable ----at least at the present time--- to provide a safe environment for the child(ren). they can blame the state, their upbringing, the drugs, a boyfriend, the caseworker, even us, but the reality is: something isn't right. and if they refuse to accept responsibility, they will NOT get their child(ren) back. it's that simple.
FOURTH, drugs are the devil's most deceptive tool. i can't tell you how many times i've heard a parent say "it's not hurting anyone but me" or "it's my life"....well, it is actually DESTROYING them...from the inside out. and EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. who cares about them dies a little more every time they puff/shoot up/swallow/inhale/etc.etc.etc.
out of 45 children, 39 were removed bcs of drugs; 2 aged out of the system having served time in juvy and jail; 10 were adopted by loving "strangers"; 18 were adopted by extended family; 2 are hoping for adoption in proctor homes where the services for trauma are more available than where we live; 7 went back to parents. these are not just "our statistics", they are "our children". we have loved them as best as we could, each and every one. individually and collectively they hold a large place in our heart. our prayers for them is that they become not just survivors, but THRIVERS. this life is beautiful. they can overcome the past and move forward....because of our Savior, Jesus Christ. i am eternally grateful to Him and His willingness to help us overcome life's crazy circumstances.
...in the meantime, our boys have grown up w/them. they have had to make many sacrifices, but i think they have matured through it all. one is a car salesman in jersey. two are working in orem and planning to attend UVU in the fall. one is serving a full time mission in Ghana. two are still at home, helping with the revolving door that we call <3 home <3....
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
origamimami
so this morning i was getting the boys ready for school...well, nagging them to get themselves ready.
taylor came into my room and sd, "Mom, i need to make 3 origami frogs bcs i told 3 friends i would bring them each one". i sd, "get in the shower, and i'll do it"... so he did, and i...TRIED. how hard could an origami frog be?? i looked up online and saw some "for kids"...
but they looked too basic. then i found this really cool one listed as "easy"....
and it is super cool bcs you actually "blow" up the belly! so that's the one i settled on. i got my paper and the instructions and got 3 folds into it when i realized i couldn't do it. i called out to taylor in the shower, "taylor, i don't think i can do this...it's really hard" and he cried back, "MOM! I NEED THEM!! YOU CAN DO THEM!!"...alright already, REGROUP...so i tried w/a new paper. same thing. i tried folding differently than i had the first time. anyway, 15 futile attempts later, after modifying from the "easy" one, to the "basic one" to a giraffe and finally finishing w/a horse (hey! it can do somersaults!....well, it's SUPPOSED to do somersaults)... i presented to tay. "nah. i can't take THAT to school mom. it doesn't even work". defeated, i surrendered.
while attempting my feat, i remembered back to a day when i had come home to my mom and sd that "we are going to make frog skirts". obviously she knew that "we" meant "her" bcs I couldn't sew a straight line. i remember her pulling me away from my friends and saying that she didn't ever want me to volunteer her to do things like that up front of my friends again. and then she begrudgingly set to work making dark green corduroy circle skirts and then sewing frogs on the pockets. hand-drawn, hand-cut out, and machine stitched using the old-fashioned sewing machines that aren't computer programmed. as i folded each paper this morning, i felt guilty for having promised my mom's time to something so trivial to her. i wanted to call her, 35 yrs later and apologize. but as i reminisced abt the skirts, something inside of me changed. SHE actually DID the skirts! and they turned out FABULOUS!! and me and grazynka LOVED them!! i, on the other hand, failed epically, to the tune of pinterest fails (note: no 'after' photos). what I did for my mom HAD to boost her self-esteem!! what taylor did for me, plummeted mine. after all, it's just a stupid paper folding frog! yes, my mom owed me. so i didn't call and apologize. one of these days, maybe SHE'll call ME and say "thank you for challenging me up front of your friends... bcs of that, i learned that i am fully capable of making something awesome out of a pile of scraps". :) yea, i'll wait for that call....
:)
taylor came into my room and sd, "Mom, i need to make 3 origami frogs bcs i told 3 friends i would bring them each one". i sd, "get in the shower, and i'll do it"... so he did, and i...TRIED. how hard could an origami frog be?? i looked up online and saw some "for kids"...
but they looked too basic. then i found this really cool one listed as "easy".... and it is super cool bcs you actually "blow" up the belly! so that's the one i settled on. i got my paper and the instructions and got 3 folds into it when i realized i couldn't do it. i called out to taylor in the shower, "taylor, i don't think i can do this...it's really hard" and he cried back, "MOM! I NEED THEM!! YOU CAN DO THEM!!"...alright already, REGROUP...so i tried w/a new paper. same thing. i tried folding differently than i had the first time. anyway, 15 futile attempts later, after modifying from the "easy" one, to the "basic one" to a giraffe and finally finishing w/a horse (hey! it can do somersaults!....well, it's SUPPOSED to do somersaults)... i presented to tay. "nah. i can't take THAT to school mom. it doesn't even work". defeated, i surrendered.while attempting my feat, i remembered back to a day when i had come home to my mom and sd that "we are going to make frog skirts". obviously she knew that "we" meant "her" bcs I couldn't sew a straight line. i remember her pulling me away from my friends and saying that she didn't ever want me to volunteer her to do things like that up front of my friends again. and then she begrudgingly set to work making dark green corduroy circle skirts and then sewing frogs on the pockets. hand-drawn, hand-cut out, and machine stitched using the old-fashioned sewing machines that aren't computer programmed. as i folded each paper this morning, i felt guilty for having promised my mom's time to something so trivial to her. i wanted to call her, 35 yrs later and apologize. but as i reminisced abt the skirts, something inside of me changed. SHE actually DID the skirts! and they turned out FABULOUS!! and me and grazynka LOVED them!! i, on the other hand, failed epically, to the tune of pinterest fails (note: no 'after' photos). what I did for my mom HAD to boost her self-esteem!! what taylor did for me, plummeted mine. after all, it's just a stupid paper folding frog! yes, my mom owed me. so i didn't call and apologize. one of these days, maybe SHE'll call ME and say "thank you for challenging me up front of your friends... bcs of that, i learned that i am fully capable of making something awesome out of a pile of scraps". :) yea, i'll wait for that call....
:)
Thursday, July 17, 2014
candy crush saga
at the risk of offending yet another person, i write this post...
i have had some facebook friends write comments on my timeline abt the annoying alerts that they receive due to my candy crush playing. to them, i direct my comments.
i wouldn't say that i'm addicted to candy crush, as it is one of only a few things that i can stop mid-game and change what i'm doing. part of the reason i enjoy playing it.... try doing that w/your scriptures! i can't focus or re-focus quick enough to make sense. ...but i work hard. i do yardwork, gardening, cooking, baking, reading w/the kids, exercising w/the kids, biking, missionary work, visiting teaching, laundry and the list goes on and on. i take kids to the counselor, dentist, doctor. i tutor for the MTC and for the learning-behind kids at school. i help w/the bookmobile. OFTEN at one of these 'away' activities, i have what i like to call "downtime". this is when i'm waiting on kids/appts/phone calls, etc. it's a minute here or 5 minutes there. sometimes i'm stuck at the dentist/dr/counselor office for over an hour. but it's unplanned time. i usually start by trying to read my scriptures, or memorize the family proclamation. but it's usually interrupted w/phone calls or conversation in the room. so i put it away and take out "candy crush". :) why?? it's mindless drivel that i can do w/interruptions. it doesn't take more than a couple of brain cells, but it keeps me from falling asleep on the job.
i don't often send requests to friends, but i have seen that it asks for lives to be sent to friends when i log on. i usually acquiesce, as i know what a "treasure" it is when friends send them to me. apparently this is where people get annoyed. ?? or maybe my requests...though i usually select those i know are playing.
that's the background. my confusion, and question lies here....
i have a cell phone. i have a laptop. and i have a kindle. my cell phone beeps often. when i log onto my fb on laptop, it often has 30 or more "notifications". i scroll through for any links to conversations i've had, or something that draws my attention. but often they are simply invites and/or requests for castlemania or slotmania or a number of other manias... i simply ignore. when my phone beeps, i know the difference between a phone call, text or facebook msg. all 3 of which might need my immediate attention. i also know the sound of a notification. that is something i choose to ignore. i dont' feel the need to respond to every sound my phone makes, as it is not controlling my life. so my question is this: why do you??
please, please, PLEASE understand this...i love you. all of my friends on facebook were added only after considering thoughtfully each person. there's not a friend that i'd want to lose. certainly not over a facebook (or any other media) game. i'm not tech savvy. i don't even know what a hashtag is used for, nor do i own a twitter or other account. i'm facebook loyal. :) but if my distraction is driving you nuts, feel free to unfriend me. sure i might have my feelings a little hurt, but i've recovered from a lot worse. :) however, when my kids complain bcs "he's looking at me" or "he's sitting too close", i tell them what i try to do myself when someone's chewing w/their mouth open, or farting nearby...IGNORE it. that's the peacemaker approach.
my humblest apologies to anyone i've offended. if you know me at all, you know that i have shed many, MANY tears over unintended offenses i've made w/my big mouth. i NEVER want to hurt another soul. not even for revenge. it's just not my nature. so please, if i've offended you, forgive me. i'm only writing to understand....
i have had some facebook friends write comments on my timeline abt the annoying alerts that they receive due to my candy crush playing. to them, i direct my comments.
i wouldn't say that i'm addicted to candy crush, as it is one of only a few things that i can stop mid-game and change what i'm doing. part of the reason i enjoy playing it.... try doing that w/your scriptures! i can't focus or re-focus quick enough to make sense. ...but i work hard. i do yardwork, gardening, cooking, baking, reading w/the kids, exercising w/the kids, biking, missionary work, visiting teaching, laundry and the list goes on and on. i take kids to the counselor, dentist, doctor. i tutor for the MTC and for the learning-behind kids at school. i help w/the bookmobile. OFTEN at one of these 'away' activities, i have what i like to call "downtime". this is when i'm waiting on kids/appts/phone calls, etc. it's a minute here or 5 minutes there. sometimes i'm stuck at the dentist/dr/counselor office for over an hour. but it's unplanned time. i usually start by trying to read my scriptures, or memorize the family proclamation. but it's usually interrupted w/phone calls or conversation in the room. so i put it away and take out "candy crush". :) why?? it's mindless drivel that i can do w/interruptions. it doesn't take more than a couple of brain cells, but it keeps me from falling asleep on the job.
i don't often send requests to friends, but i have seen that it asks for lives to be sent to friends when i log on. i usually acquiesce, as i know what a "treasure" it is when friends send them to me. apparently this is where people get annoyed. ?? or maybe my requests...though i usually select those i know are playing.
that's the background. my confusion, and question lies here....
i have a cell phone. i have a laptop. and i have a kindle. my cell phone beeps often. when i log onto my fb on laptop, it often has 30 or more "notifications". i scroll through for any links to conversations i've had, or something that draws my attention. but often they are simply invites and/or requests for castlemania or slotmania or a number of other manias... i simply ignore. when my phone beeps, i know the difference between a phone call, text or facebook msg. all 3 of which might need my immediate attention. i also know the sound of a notification. that is something i choose to ignore. i dont' feel the need to respond to every sound my phone makes, as it is not controlling my life. so my question is this: why do you??
please, please, PLEASE understand this...i love you. all of my friends on facebook were added only after considering thoughtfully each person. there's not a friend that i'd want to lose. certainly not over a facebook (or any other media) game. i'm not tech savvy. i don't even know what a hashtag is used for, nor do i own a twitter or other account. i'm facebook loyal. :) but if my distraction is driving you nuts, feel free to unfriend me. sure i might have my feelings a little hurt, but i've recovered from a lot worse. :) however, when my kids complain bcs "he's looking at me" or "he's sitting too close", i tell them what i try to do myself when someone's chewing w/their mouth open, or farting nearby...IGNORE it. that's the peacemaker approach.
my humblest apologies to anyone i've offended. if you know me at all, you know that i have shed many, MANY tears over unintended offenses i've made w/my big mouth. i NEVER want to hurt another soul. not even for revenge. it's just not my nature. so please, if i've offended you, forgive me. i'm only writing to understand....
Friday, June 27, 2014
nagging mom
i had an epiphany this morning.
every now and then i have a thought that just hits me in my heart, and this is one of them. i realize that after you read this post, most of you will say "DUH. you didn't know that????" ....and my answer is, "yes, i KNEW that, but i didn't REALIZE how serious it is". so here goes...
i'm a nag. confession time. it's the truth. i'm a one-eyebrow raised, bordering on a scowl, over-and-over again NAG. and i don't like how i am. bcs of this, my kids don't like how i am either. and bcs of how they react to me, i don't like them very much a lot of the time. don't get me wrong, we all know the adage that we can love someone to the core, but not like them very much. well, that's me. so here's what i realized today...
why do i nag?? bcs i need help. i'm overworked and exhausted. no, i don't work outside the home. i'm not an author or a mary kay specialist. i'm not a model on the side (no surprises there) and i dont' teach gospel doctrine. but i do laundry every monday from abt 645 in the morning until usually around 6p at night. i cook dinner every day. sometimes it's leftovers, but hey! i still have to pull them out and heat them up and wash the dishes and clean the counter. but OFTEN i'll start dinner in the morning when i take the meat out to defrost. :) i make desserts often. i love sugar. and i think it's good in moderations. :) plus, homemade chocolate cake is a lot better than a store bought twinkie. i work in the yard; weeding, planting, trimming, but mostly weeding. i clean the house. wiping down doors, counters, etc. sweeping the floors. constantly. on a very very good day, i'll even mop the floors on my hands and knees. and i visit people. neighbors, friends, inactives, people. i break up fights. not between the people i visit, that's just w/my own kids. sometimes that requires lengthy discussions w/the boys that can often linger into the next activity. i help w/homework. i'm just tired. so i occasionally will ask the boys for help. "alex, will you empty the dishwasher please?" ...."andrew, will you take the garbage to the dump?" ...."brandon, will you take out the garbage?" on top of that, i really do think that ALL of my kids, from 8-22 are capable of making their beds and cleaning up after themselves.
this is where the problem lies... my kids will say "okay...." and then proceed to give me a "gotta-do-this-first" list. and i haven't pushed the issue. so for a number of years, i've had kids basically negotiate what they think is important to them on their time frame. which usually leads to someone forgetting. which leads me to reminding them (first nag), which leads to them getting annoyed, which leads to them subconsciously rebelling and NOT doing it, which leads to me MORE nagging. which leads to tears, frustration and fighting.
i'm not exaggerating when i say this. just yesterday i had to tell one of my boys to bring up his laundry so i could start a load THREE times. first he decided to pack, then he had to put in his contacts. it was easily a half hour before he brought it up. that meant i didn't have time to get a load started before i had to bike another one to school.
soooooooooooooo...i'm hoping eric gets on board w/me. i'm going to propose that we have a "do it NOW" policy. that when i (or he) tell(s) them to do something, they DO IT NOW. no negotiating. no tv show, no conversation, NOTHING is more important than just being obedient. then i dn't have to worry abt them forgetting and not doing it.
:) i'm sooo excited to try this new thing. incidentally, i never realized this was such a problem before now. in the past, and i know in my "darker" past, my kids jumped when i asked for help. i think part of my recovery was learning to lighten up. yet, i didn't. i just internalized the anxiety. now i'm hoping for a release....
:)
every now and then i have a thought that just hits me in my heart, and this is one of them. i realize that after you read this post, most of you will say "DUH. you didn't know that????" ....and my answer is, "yes, i KNEW that, but i didn't REALIZE how serious it is". so here goes...
i'm a nag. confession time. it's the truth. i'm a one-eyebrow raised, bordering on a scowl, over-and-over again NAG. and i don't like how i am. bcs of this, my kids don't like how i am either. and bcs of how they react to me, i don't like them very much a lot of the time. don't get me wrong, we all know the adage that we can love someone to the core, but not like them very much. well, that's me. so here's what i realized today...
why do i nag?? bcs i need help. i'm overworked and exhausted. no, i don't work outside the home. i'm not an author or a mary kay specialist. i'm not a model on the side (no surprises there) and i dont' teach gospel doctrine. but i do laundry every monday from abt 645 in the morning until usually around 6p at night. i cook dinner every day. sometimes it's leftovers, but hey! i still have to pull them out and heat them up and wash the dishes and clean the counter. but OFTEN i'll start dinner in the morning when i take the meat out to defrost. :) i make desserts often. i love sugar. and i think it's good in moderations. :) plus, homemade chocolate cake is a lot better than a store bought twinkie. i work in the yard; weeding, planting, trimming, but mostly weeding. i clean the house. wiping down doors, counters, etc. sweeping the floors. constantly. on a very very good day, i'll even mop the floors on my hands and knees. and i visit people. neighbors, friends, inactives, people. i break up fights. not between the people i visit, that's just w/my own kids. sometimes that requires lengthy discussions w/the boys that can often linger into the next activity. i help w/homework. i'm just tired. so i occasionally will ask the boys for help. "alex, will you empty the dishwasher please?" ...."andrew, will you take the garbage to the dump?" ...."brandon, will you take out the garbage?" on top of that, i really do think that ALL of my kids, from 8-22 are capable of making their beds and cleaning up after themselves.
this is where the problem lies... my kids will say "okay...." and then proceed to give me a "gotta-do-this-first" list. and i haven't pushed the issue. so for a number of years, i've had kids basically negotiate what they think is important to them on their time frame. which usually leads to someone forgetting. which leads me to reminding them (first nag), which leads to them getting annoyed, which leads to them subconsciously rebelling and NOT doing it, which leads to me MORE nagging. which leads to tears, frustration and fighting.
i'm not exaggerating when i say this. just yesterday i had to tell one of my boys to bring up his laundry so i could start a load THREE times. first he decided to pack, then he had to put in his contacts. it was easily a half hour before he brought it up. that meant i didn't have time to get a load started before i had to bike another one to school.
soooooooooooooo...i'm hoping eric gets on board w/me. i'm going to propose that we have a "do it NOW" policy. that when i (or he) tell(s) them to do something, they DO IT NOW. no negotiating. no tv show, no conversation, NOTHING is more important than just being obedient. then i dn't have to worry abt them forgetting and not doing it.
:) i'm sooo excited to try this new thing. incidentally, i never realized this was such a problem before now. in the past, and i know in my "darker" past, my kids jumped when i asked for help. i think part of my recovery was learning to lighten up. yet, i didn't. i just internalized the anxiety. now i'm hoping for a release....
:)
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
scary men
i had a thought-provoking experience that i just have to put on electronic "paper". i won't mention any names or anything that might implicate anyone, but it's MY experience anyway...so...
yesterday i was out weeding the front yard. i was sitting on a pile of rocks getting those long stringy weeds that were spiderwebbing across the rocks, and kind of crouched behind the wheelbarrow that was collecting my garbage...when i heard something that made me look up. i don't know what i heard, but my attention was directed to the west of my house, up front of my neighbor's house. i saw a guy getting loud w/his "gf". (so i thought). i adjusted my prescription sunglasses and started to get in a "getting-ready-to-pounce" position when i saw him JERK his head towards hers. she shook and grimaced and hugged herself. he loudly sd some profanities before marching off towards the east. they both saw me watching them, but after she and i made eye contact, she looked down and never did look back towards me. i watched her follow him from abt 15 feet behind till they were out of my view.
what was i thinking? that if he had "laid a hand on her" i was going to jump up. what would i have done? i have no idea. i probably would have pulled him off of her. or gotten up front of her. i don't know what i would have done, but i couldn't have sat there and watched him hurt her.
...or could i? abt 20 minutes later, after i was sitting back in my room contemplating this post, the doorbell rang. a sheriff's deputy was at the front door. he asked me if i had just witnessed a fight. i told him "kind-of". he asked me to tell him what i saw. i told him what i just wrote to you. he asked me if he had head-bunted her. i told him i didn't think so, but i couldn't see that well, and it's possible he did. i told him JUST EXACTLY what i wrote to you. he asked what they were wearing, where i saw them, if i'd seen him afterwards. i answered all of his questions in detail. he had come back, but was walking alone. in my imagination i thought i saw a shiny object in his hand, which when translated by creative part of my brain was a knife. he had stabbed her and was now coming back for me, the one witness. back to reality: he had nothing in his hand, and was just walking back to the direction they originally came from. however, i DID tell the officer abt my scary fantasy. (haha). he asked for all the usual witness information, my name/phone/birthdate/weight (haha on the last) and thanked me and left. a while later i heard from a friend who happens to be friends w/this gal, that he HAD headbunted her. that she is his wife, and that she is pregnant w/his baby. that she got a restraining order and moved in w/her grandma. that's the follow-up.
now for the thoughts... first, what would i have done? having been abused, i know that when the abuser thinks you have betrayed/snitched-on him, the repercussions can be worse than the original harm. so asking her if she's okay up front of him could easily turn on her. they could get home and have him accuse her of making a scene that drew my attention in the first place. however, having been abused, i can't sit still and NOT do something. there were dozens of times that i wished SOMEONE would step up and try to protect me. i know that many knew what was going on behind closed doors. my abuser/husband was a prominent man in the community and at church, and was known for his gentle nature. to the public, he was the most kind person you could meet. in fact, that was one of the initial things that attracted me to him. it was in the privacy of our marriage that i saw the darker side of him. but i knew that people knew. rumors had come full circle, i had been seen w/black eyes and bruises. people had confronted me directly and indirectly. i always lied to cover things up. one time my ob/gyn (who happened to be my bishop at the time) pulled me aside and asked why i had 2 black eyes (which i thought were well concealed under makeup). i told him that my youngest son at the time had headbunted my nose when i was tying his shoes. he whispered, "i know what's going on soo, if you ever want to talk abt it, i'm here for you". to this day i will NEVER forget that. i knew he cared. he knew my secret, but he wasn't going to compromise my safety. there were others who never sd anything. i wondered if they didn't care. so that was the me, then.
the me NOW thinks differently...
i know that it's scary to approach someone who is being abused. i know that they will likely go back to the abuser, even if our perceived safety is offered. so why do they return? 3 reasons: 1- they think that the abuse is their fault (if only i hadn't served the chicken raw), 2- they think that they don't deserve better , after all, they are the cause. 3- they literally fear for their lives. the thought of the abuser renting a plane and looking for them to do WHAT? to them?? the fear is in the wondering...
sooooo, after digressing, my final thoughts are these:
if you are being abused, please know that you are not alone. if you have heard all the stories of typical abusers and your's doesn't qualify, it doesn't mean you aren't being abused. if you've been hit, punched, choked, kicked, head-bunted, squoze, or even threatened, YOU ARE ABUSED. you didn't deserve it. you don't deserve it. and he WILL continue until YOU change. not the things you are doing to make him mad, but the situation you are living in. you need help. you need to get out. there really are shelters that have bulletproof doors and windows and electric fences. there are people who know how crazy an abuser can become in the heat of the moment. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
if you know of someone who is abused, TELL HER YOU KNOW. those words from my dr/bishop/friend meant more to me than any other words anyone spoke. tell her you are here for her and will be WHENEVER she decides to get out. tell her you will help her formulate a plan, bcs leaving isn't an easy thing under any circumstances. DON'T judge her when she doesn't take you up on your offer. trust is something you have to build with her. GET IN THE MIDDLE. if you see her man being abusive towards her, DON'T stand idly by. if you are concerned abt safety, call 911, but don't ignore bad behavior. i know that people knew what was going on at my home, and those who didn't stand up for me reinforced my feelings that i didn't deserve any better.
and that's my final thought: i really do believe that there is someone for everyone. i believe that EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and kindness and respect. i don't care what mistakes a person has made in his or her life, NO ONE deserves to be treated w/anger or intimidation. NO ONE. it would be better to be alone than to be in an abusive situation. i can promise you that. i have been there.
ps: (this is actually my FINAL thought)... years later i am married to a wonderful man. i ask him all the time "are you mad at me?" and he always responds the same, "no, SHOULD i be?" . he treats me the way ALL women deserve to be treated. and i consider him my best reward for any good i might have done in my life. i'm adding this to you bcs i want you to know that there is light at the end of that dark tunnel....
:)
yesterday i was out weeding the front yard. i was sitting on a pile of rocks getting those long stringy weeds that were spiderwebbing across the rocks, and kind of crouched behind the wheelbarrow that was collecting my garbage...when i heard something that made me look up. i don't know what i heard, but my attention was directed to the west of my house, up front of my neighbor's house. i saw a guy getting loud w/his "gf". (so i thought). i adjusted my prescription sunglasses and started to get in a "getting-ready-to-pounce" position when i saw him JERK his head towards hers. she shook and grimaced and hugged herself. he loudly sd some profanities before marching off towards the east. they both saw me watching them, but after she and i made eye contact, she looked down and never did look back towards me. i watched her follow him from abt 15 feet behind till they were out of my view.
what was i thinking? that if he had "laid a hand on her" i was going to jump up. what would i have done? i have no idea. i probably would have pulled him off of her. or gotten up front of her. i don't know what i would have done, but i couldn't have sat there and watched him hurt her.
...or could i? abt 20 minutes later, after i was sitting back in my room contemplating this post, the doorbell rang. a sheriff's deputy was at the front door. he asked me if i had just witnessed a fight. i told him "kind-of". he asked me to tell him what i saw. i told him what i just wrote to you. he asked me if he had head-bunted her. i told him i didn't think so, but i couldn't see that well, and it's possible he did. i told him JUST EXACTLY what i wrote to you. he asked what they were wearing, where i saw them, if i'd seen him afterwards. i answered all of his questions in detail. he had come back, but was walking alone. in my imagination i thought i saw a shiny object in his hand, which when translated by creative part of my brain was a knife. he had stabbed her and was now coming back for me, the one witness. back to reality: he had nothing in his hand, and was just walking back to the direction they originally came from. however, i DID tell the officer abt my scary fantasy. (haha). he asked for all the usual witness information, my name/phone/birthdate/weight (haha on the last) and thanked me and left. a while later i heard from a friend who happens to be friends w/this gal, that he HAD headbunted her. that she is his wife, and that she is pregnant w/his baby. that she got a restraining order and moved in w/her grandma. that's the follow-up.
now for the thoughts... first, what would i have done? having been abused, i know that when the abuser thinks you have betrayed/snitched-on him, the repercussions can be worse than the original harm. so asking her if she's okay up front of him could easily turn on her. they could get home and have him accuse her of making a scene that drew my attention in the first place. however, having been abused, i can't sit still and NOT do something. there were dozens of times that i wished SOMEONE would step up and try to protect me. i know that many knew what was going on behind closed doors. my abuser/husband was a prominent man in the community and at church, and was known for his gentle nature. to the public, he was the most kind person you could meet. in fact, that was one of the initial things that attracted me to him. it was in the privacy of our marriage that i saw the darker side of him. but i knew that people knew. rumors had come full circle, i had been seen w/black eyes and bruises. people had confronted me directly and indirectly. i always lied to cover things up. one time my ob/gyn (who happened to be my bishop at the time) pulled me aside and asked why i had 2 black eyes (which i thought were well concealed under makeup). i told him that my youngest son at the time had headbunted my nose when i was tying his shoes. he whispered, "i know what's going on soo, if you ever want to talk abt it, i'm here for you". to this day i will NEVER forget that. i knew he cared. he knew my secret, but he wasn't going to compromise my safety. there were others who never sd anything. i wondered if they didn't care. so that was the me, then.
the me NOW thinks differently...
i know that it's scary to approach someone who is being abused. i know that they will likely go back to the abuser, even if our perceived safety is offered. so why do they return? 3 reasons: 1- they think that the abuse is their fault (if only i hadn't served the chicken raw), 2- they think that they don't deserve better , after all, they are the cause. 3- they literally fear for their lives. the thought of the abuser renting a plane and looking for them to do WHAT? to them?? the fear is in the wondering...
sooooo, after digressing, my final thoughts are these:
if you are being abused, please know that you are not alone. if you have heard all the stories of typical abusers and your's doesn't qualify, it doesn't mean you aren't being abused. if you've been hit, punched, choked, kicked, head-bunted, squoze, or even threatened, YOU ARE ABUSED. you didn't deserve it. you don't deserve it. and he WILL continue until YOU change. not the things you are doing to make him mad, but the situation you are living in. you need help. you need to get out. there really are shelters that have bulletproof doors and windows and electric fences. there are people who know how crazy an abuser can become in the heat of the moment. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
if you know of someone who is abused, TELL HER YOU KNOW. those words from my dr/bishop/friend meant more to me than any other words anyone spoke. tell her you are here for her and will be WHENEVER she decides to get out. tell her you will help her formulate a plan, bcs leaving isn't an easy thing under any circumstances. DON'T judge her when she doesn't take you up on your offer. trust is something you have to build with her. GET IN THE MIDDLE. if you see her man being abusive towards her, DON'T stand idly by. if you are concerned abt safety, call 911, but don't ignore bad behavior. i know that people knew what was going on at my home, and those who didn't stand up for me reinforced my feelings that i didn't deserve any better.
and that's my final thought: i really do believe that there is someone for everyone. i believe that EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and kindness and respect. i don't care what mistakes a person has made in his or her life, NO ONE deserves to be treated w/anger or intimidation. NO ONE. it would be better to be alone than to be in an abusive situation. i can promise you that. i have been there.
ps: (this is actually my FINAL thought)... years later i am married to a wonderful man. i ask him all the time "are you mad at me?" and he always responds the same, "no, SHOULD i be?" . he treats me the way ALL women deserve to be treated. and i consider him my best reward for any good i might have done in my life. i'm adding this to you bcs i want you to know that there is light at the end of that dark tunnel....
:)
Thursday, April 3, 2014
death
i don't think that i'm thinking too much abt death, but i have had a few thoughts over the past couple of wks. this one is more of a "am i sane?" type of thought....
why do people write msgs to their deceased loved ones on facebook? i'm not trying to be insulting in any way, i'm simply trying to understand. do they think the deceased is actually READING fb?? bcs i don't think so. or maybe they are just writing their thoughts to evoke support from their friends. if it's the latter, i TOTALLY get it. ...but maybe they should write it to their audience...that these are my feelings...
??
another question: when people write something and other's respond w/ "you're in my prayers", is it true?? are the people truly saying a prayer for that person? or is just a nice thought. i have a hard time writing it, unless i KNOW that i'm goign to take a moment and seriously say a prayer for that person. sometimes i will, but sometimes i'm not in a position to do that. and i know that in my heart of hearts i'll forget later, or maybe i don't even necessarily agree that a prayer is warranted. am i crazy?? or mean??
last question: why do people visit a grave? do they believe the spirit is there waiting for them? do they believe that's a portal to the other side?? perhaps it is, this is a sincere question. i just wonder bcs i would imagine that they are busy doing what they need to do on the other side of the veil.
what do i know? very little... these are just a few thoughts...
:)
why do people write msgs to their deceased loved ones on facebook? i'm not trying to be insulting in any way, i'm simply trying to understand. do they think the deceased is actually READING fb?? bcs i don't think so. or maybe they are just writing their thoughts to evoke support from their friends. if it's the latter, i TOTALLY get it. ...but maybe they should write it to their audience...that these are my feelings...
??
another question: when people write something and other's respond w/ "you're in my prayers", is it true?? are the people truly saying a prayer for that person? or is just a nice thought. i have a hard time writing it, unless i KNOW that i'm goign to take a moment and seriously say a prayer for that person. sometimes i will, but sometimes i'm not in a position to do that. and i know that in my heart of hearts i'll forget later, or maybe i don't even necessarily agree that a prayer is warranted. am i crazy?? or mean??
last question: why do people visit a grave? do they believe the spirit is there waiting for them? do they believe that's a portal to the other side?? perhaps it is, this is a sincere question. i just wonder bcs i would imagine that they are busy doing what they need to do on the other side of the veil.
what do i know? very little... these are just a few thoughts...
:)
Thursday, March 20, 2014
thinning veil
i've had a lot of thoughts this past month abt life and death. part of it is bcs i finished reading Jesus the Christ, by James A. Talmage. WOW!! it was one of the most intriguing books of my life, and HIGHLY recommended. :) it opened my eyes to the life of our Savior, and His importance in "the Plan", and how it personally affects me. it also gave me great thought into how i'm preparing for His imminent return. within 2 wks of finishing the book, i had the opportunity to go to stake conference where our temple president was speaking. he told how he's been a patriarch for 37 yrs and was given the opportunity to bless "some" people that they would be alive when our Lord returns. WOW!!! think about it.... back in the days of Joseph Smith, there were many MANY people who believed that it would be in their lifetime. i followed suit, but always thought "eh, they thought it too and were wrong, so i probably am also". and it's possible that it's not going to happen in MY generation, but it most certainly will by my CHILDREN's generation. so what am i doing to prepare my boys to meet their Savior?!? what am i doing to prepare them to RECOGNIZE Him?? that's been my thought this past little while....
along the same lines, a family whom i have always looked up to and respected just lost their 12 yr old handicapped daughter to the next life. they knew it was inevitable, but the grace with which they handled her "graduation" was heartwarming and a HUGE testimony builder for me. i felt the Spirit so strongly during her viewing, that i felt as though i could almost see through the veil.
i want you to know that i KNOW that Jesus is the Christ. i KNOW that He really did come to earth in a mortal body, and live His short lifespan only to be crucified and separated from His body for a short time. 3 days later, He was restored PERMANENTLY to His then immortal body. bcs of that, WE ALL WILL HAVE THAT BLESSING! we WILL be given eternal life!! so.... what KIND of life is mine going to be?! one of misery and selfishness?? or one full of love and happiness?! i'm HOPING for the latter, but i know i have a lot to work on.
anyway, it's just inspiring for me to think of Jesus who is probably getting ready to come back. my grandma and grandpa sellers also just passed on. in fact, grandpa did last friday, i believe, and 5 days later grandma followed him. i'm sure they are anxious to help get him ready, and i'm pretty sure i can see grandma fixing His hair. not trying to be sacrilegious in any way, but she was a detail oriented person. i can see her in my mind's eye chasing Jesus as He's preparing to leave "WAIT! you can't go down looking like THAT! HERE! let me get that for you" and then spit combing his hair out of his eyes....
:) what can i do to be ready on THIS side of the veil? lots. i better get busy...
:)
along the same lines, a family whom i have always looked up to and respected just lost their 12 yr old handicapped daughter to the next life. they knew it was inevitable, but the grace with which they handled her "graduation" was heartwarming and a HUGE testimony builder for me. i felt the Spirit so strongly during her viewing, that i felt as though i could almost see through the veil.
i want you to know that i KNOW that Jesus is the Christ. i KNOW that He really did come to earth in a mortal body, and live His short lifespan only to be crucified and separated from His body for a short time. 3 days later, He was restored PERMANENTLY to His then immortal body. bcs of that, WE ALL WILL HAVE THAT BLESSING! we WILL be given eternal life!! so.... what KIND of life is mine going to be?! one of misery and selfishness?? or one full of love and happiness?! i'm HOPING for the latter, but i know i have a lot to work on.
anyway, it's just inspiring for me to think of Jesus who is probably getting ready to come back. my grandma and grandpa sellers also just passed on. in fact, grandpa did last friday, i believe, and 5 days later grandma followed him. i'm sure they are anxious to help get him ready, and i'm pretty sure i can see grandma fixing His hair. not trying to be sacrilegious in any way, but she was a detail oriented person. i can see her in my mind's eye chasing Jesus as He's preparing to leave "WAIT! you can't go down looking like THAT! HERE! let me get that for you" and then spit combing his hair out of his eyes....
:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)